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writing about a gift receive from my parents

writing about a gift receive from my parents dpWXP
I am going to tell you about a gift I would like to receive from my parents as gift for my coming birthday. It was a smart phone that I like from 2 years ago. I first saw it when I was at grade 11 in the phonestore near my house. Well, having a smart phone on my own was my dream. I needed it for its benefits. So I was jealous of my friends who had smartphones. Therefore, I will be very happy if my parents give me as my birthday present. The smartphone looks nice, slim, and light. It was covered with gorilla glass, touch screen in the back, in the front respectively. As you know, using a smartphone is not difficult, especially for young people who are accustomed to modern technology. So I think it will be easy to me to use the phone as well. I like it so much because it must be very important to me and it will help me in study a lot.
I am going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
you about a gift I would like to receive from my parents as gift for my coming birthday. It was a smart phone that I like from 2 years ago. I
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
it when I was at grade 11 in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
phonestore
near my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. Well, having a smart phone on my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
was my dream. I needed it for its benefits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I was jealous of my friends who had smartphones.
Therefore
, I will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
happy if my parents give me as my birthday present. The smartphone looks nice, slim, and light. It
was covered
with gorilla glass, touch screen in the back, in the front
respectively
. As you know, using a smartphone is not difficult,
especially
for young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
are accustomed
to modern technology.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it will be easy to me to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the phone
as well
. I like it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to me and it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me in study a lot.
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IELTS letter writing about a gift receive from my parents

Letter
  American English
1 paragraphs
171 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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