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Recommendations for the national scheme to provide holidays for disadvantaged young people

Recommendations for the national scheme to provide holidays for disadvantaged young people rbr3p
Dear Mr. Nguyen Ba Tan I am writing to you to discuss the scheme that we are about to launch next week. I think this is quite a meaningful program out of all our operations in a year as this will support and give disadvantaged young people a chance to travel. And because of its importance, we should run through all proposals with caution. Personally, i also have some suggestions that might be useful for our work. At the very first step, i think we should consider making a statistical list of all disvantaged young people in our country. We can classify them into groups such as disabled people, poor people or orphans, etc. By putting them into different groups, it is easier for us to design particular holidays that can fully meet each groups’ needs. Beside the factor of each one’s circumstances, the places that we choose as their destinations should also be split into the north, the central and the south destinations. By that i mean we should base on their hometown to organize the most proper tours that geographically convinient. Some might say that would be not suitable or fair enough to all people but i believe each of our nation’s areas have their own charm with many attractions. So i think that wouldn’t be a problem. After we have basically shaped our plan, my proposal for the next step is that we look for our sponsors. In this stage, we should contact all the potential businesses that can finacially support our program. It is important to show them how big this program’s scale is and how good their companies’ reputation will be if they are in the project, prove it to be worth contributing. Finally, i recommend hiring more qualified staffs. We should always remind them about our special customers, make sure all the staffs know how to properly serve their customers without making any mistakes. That is all my recommendations. If you have any questions or feel displeasure at some of my points, please let me know. Hope the best for next week! Head of Financial Planning Ky
Dear Mr. Nguyen Ba Tan

I am writing to you to discuss the scheme that we are about to launch
next
week. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is quite a meaningful program out of all our operations in a year as this will support and give disadvantaged young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a chance to travel. And
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of its importance, we should run through all proposals with caution.
Personally
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
also
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
suggestions that might be useful for our work.

At the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
first
step,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
we should consider making a statistical list of all
Possible spelling mistake found.
disvantaged
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in our country. We can classify them into groups such as disabled
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
or orphans, etc. By putting them into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
groups, it is easier for us to design particular holidays that can
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
each groups’ needs.

Beside the factor of each one’s circumstances, the places that we choose as their destinations should
also
be split
into the north, the central and the south destinations. By that
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
mean we should base on their hometown to organize the most proper tours that
geographically
Possible spelling mistake found.
convinient
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
might say that would be not suitable or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
believe each of our nation’s areas have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
charm with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
attractions.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that wouldn’t be a problem.

After we have
basically
shaped our plan, my proposal for the
next
step is that we look for our sponsors. In this stage, we should contact all the potential businesses that can
Possible spelling mistake found.
finacially
support our program. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
them how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
this program’s scale is and how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
’ reputation will be if they are in the project, prove it to be worth contributing.

Finally
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
recommend hiring more qualified staffs. We should always remind them about our special customers,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure all the staffs know how to
properly
serve their customers without making any mistakes.

That is
all my recommendations. If you have any questions or feel displeasure at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of my points,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
please
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me know. Hope the best for
next
week!

Head of Financial Planning

Ky
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IELTS letter Recommendations for the national scheme to provide holidays for disadvantaged young people

Letter
  American English
7 paragraphs
352 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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