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part time job and found some problem

part time job and found some problem PJL2
Dear Mr Smith, My name is Muhammad and I am working in your store as a part-time receiver since last month. I am writing this letter to identify some issue in store which need to rectify soonest for better profits of store. I took this to get better experience for my future and knowledge about back office operations as I am doing masters in supply chain and receiving is one of the main operations for supply chain. Recently, I have found out that in market department wastage is very high comparatively to other departments and many times item didn’t go to display because of excess order. Specially in fruit and vegetable section wastage is increasing every day. Which lead to less profit margin for store. However, we can handle and control this issue by strict control on orders rather than doing same order whole week we have to make small orders as per demand. I hope your will investigate this issue and will do the needful. Yours sincerely, Muhammad Ahmed
Dear Mr Smith,

My name is
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
Muhammad and
I am working in your store as a part-time receiver since last month. I am writing this letter to identify
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
issue in store which need to rectify soonest for better profits of store.

I took this to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better experience for my future and knowledge about back office operations as I am doing masters in supply chain and receiving is one of the main operations for supply chain.

Recently, I have found out that in market department wastage is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high
comparatively
to other departments and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times item didn’t go to display
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of excess
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
.
Specially
in fruit and vegetable section wastage is increasing every day. Which lead to less profit margin for store.

However
, we can handle and control this issue by strict control on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
orders
rather
than doing same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
order
whole week we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
orders
as per demand.

I hope your will investigate this issue and will do the needful.

Yours
sincerely
,

Muhammad Ahmed

IELTS letter part time job and found some problem

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
169 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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