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introduction, information and detailed program

introduction, information and detailed program nX89R

Dear Sir or Madam, First of all, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Rafael and I am a manufacturing engineer and I kindly would like to ask for some information regarding the Industry 4. 0 Seminar that will take place in your country. Since the seminar will take place in Italy, I would like to know if it will be opened to foreign workers as well, my team and myself would like to participated to this event; however we are in Canada. Considering we can attend it, could you please provide me the dates and a detailed program and agenda as well? We are interested into the robot cooperation with human beings. Yours faithfully, Rafael Morassuti

Dear Sir or Madam, This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".First
First of all
, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).Rafael, and
Rafael and
 I am a manufacturing engineer and I kindly would like to This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :solicitrequest
ask for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:a number of
some
 information regarding the Industry 4. 0 Possible agreement error. The noun 'Seminar' seems to be countable, so consider using: "seminars".Seminars
Seminar
 that will take place in your country. Since the seminar will take place in Italy, I would like to know if it will be opened
 to foreign workers as well
, my team and myself would like to The usual preposition for "participated" is "in" not "to".  Revise: "participated in".participated in
participated to
 this This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :occasionhappening
event
; however
 we are in Canada. Considering we can attend it, could you This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :satisfy
please
 provide me the dates and a detailed program and agenda as well
? We are interested
 into the robot cooperation with human beings.

Yours faithfully
, Rafael Possible spelling mistake found.MorassMorasses
Morassuti

IELTS letter introduction, information and detailed program

Letter

American English

2 paragraphs

118 words

This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1

4.0

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
?
One main idea per paragraph
?
Include an introduction and conclusion
?
Support main points with an explanation and then an example
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
?
Vary your linking phrases using synonyms

Lexical Resource: 6.5

Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes

Grammatical Range: 6.5

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
Check your writing for errors

Task Achievement: 5.0

Answer all parts of the question
?
Present relevant ideas
Fully explain these ideas
?
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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