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INTERNATIONAL WORKSHOP ON HIV & ADOLESCENCE 2020

INTERNATIONAL WORKSHOP ON HIV & ADOLESCENCE 2020 gAAg3
INTERNATIONAL WORKSHOP ON HIV & ADOLESCENCE 2020 Dear Sir/ Madam, To start off my letter, I would like to express my gratitude to you. I am very grateful that this workshop exists. . (My name is Van Thi Mong Tran. I am 21 years old and I am a student at the University of Medicine and Pharmacy of Ho Chi Minh City. ) I am from Vietnam, a developing country with many difficulties, with a limited economy and a complicated HIV/AIDSepidemic. HIV is an important public health issue, one of the leading causes of the disease burden in Viet Nam. According to statistics of the Ministry of Health, as of October 31, 2019, Viet Nam currently has 221, 981 people living with HIV, and 103, 426 people have died. The number of newly detected infections among adolescents aged 16-29 years accounted for a high rate of 40. 1%, with 30-39 years of age accounting for 33. 8%. Even though the HIV/AIDS epidemic continues to decline there is still a high risk of HIV transmission in the community, especially in teens. They are not fully equipped with the knowledge in order to reduce the transmission of HIV. Therefore, this is a group of people who need special attention and guidance. During my studies at the university, I had the opportunity to interact with the health workers in charge of the local HIV program. I have researched ongoing programs including HIV testing and screening organization, drug supply, patient records management, etc. When I found out about the workshop, I was excited to know that I was eligible to register for free. For someone who does not yet have financial autonomy, this is was a really good opportunity to grasp. I am constantly educating myself and exchanging knowledge about public health, particularly in the field of HIV/AIDS prevention. (The workshop has many topics that peak my interests. Some of these topics include, Care of Pediatric HIV Patients and Care of HIV-infected adolescents. These topics are helpful to me because I am doing research on the Treatment compliance rates and treatment compliance factors in HIV infected adolescents. I am sure that if given the opportunity to participate in this program, I will gain more knowledge through my research and will be able to apply said knowledge to helping the HIV epidemic in Vietnam. My main goal when writing this letter is to not only be accepted into this workshop, but to express my thirst for knowledge. I am a student who wants to go out into the world and learn through every way possible. I want to learn as much as possible. When I have learned as much as I can, I want to go out into the world again, this time not as a student, but a teacher. I want to educate the people of Vietnam in order to help the epidemic known as HIV. I hope that after reading my letter, you will consider reserving a spot for me at this workshop. I would like to thank you for taking your time to read my letter and I look forward to seeing your response. Thank you, Sincerely.
INTERNATIONAL
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
WORKSHOP
ON
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
& ADOLESCENCE 2020

Dear Sir/ Madam,

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
off my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
letter
, I would like to express my gratitude to you. I am
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
grateful that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workshop
exists.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
(My name is Van
Possible spelling mistake found.
Thi
This expression can be considered offensive.
Mong
Tran. I am 21 years
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
old and
I am a student at the University of Medicine and Pharmacy of Ho Chi Minh City.
Loose punctuation mark.
)
I am from Vietnam, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developing country
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
difficulties, with a limited economy and a complicated HIV/
Possible spelling mistake found.
AIDSepidemic
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issue, one of the leading causes of the disease burden in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viet
Nam. According to statistics of the Ministry of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
, as of October 31, 2019,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Viet
Nam
currently
has 221, 981
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
, and 103, 426
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
. The number of
newly
detected infections among adolescents aged 16-29 years accounted for a high rate of 40. 1%, with 30-39 years of age accounting for 33. 8%.
Even though
the HIV/AIDS epidemic continues to decline there is
still
a high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
transmission in the community,
especially
in teens. They are not
fully
equipped with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the transmission of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
.
Therefore
, this is a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who need special attention and guidance.

During my studies at the university, I had the opportunity to interact with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
workers in charge of the local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
program. I have researched ongoing programs including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
testing and screening organization, drug supply, patient records management, etc. When I found out about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workshop
, I
was excited
to know that I was eligible to register for free. For someone who does not
yet
have financial autonomy, this
Did you mean "it"?
is
Consider using a past participle here: "been".
was
a
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunity to grasp. I am
constantly
educating myself and exchanging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
about public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
,
particularly
in the field of HIV/AIDS prevention.

Unpaired symbol: ')' seems to be missing
(
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workshop
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
topics that peak my interests.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of these topics include, Care of Pediatric
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
Patients and Care of HIV-infected adolescents. These topics are helpful to me
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I am doing research on the Treatment compliance rates and treatment compliance factors in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
infected adolescents. I am sure that if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the opportunity to participate in this program, I will gain more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
through my research and will be able to apply said
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
to helping the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
HIV
epidemic in Vietnam.

My main goal when writing this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
letter
is to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
into this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workshop
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
to express my thirst for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
. I am a student who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wants
to go out into the world and learn through every way possible. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to learn as much as possible. When I have learned as much as I can, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to go out into the world again, this time not as a student,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a teacher. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to educate the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of Vietnam in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the epidemic known as HIV.

I hope that after reading my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
letter
, you will consider reserving a spot for me at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workshop
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
would like to thank you for taking your time to read my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
letter
and I look forward to seeing your response.

Thank you,

Sincerely
.
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IELTS letter INTERNATIONAL WORKSHOP ON HIV & ADOLESCENCE 2020

Letter
  American English
9 paragraphs
525 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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