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essay regarding a graph regarding cinema and TV

Dear sir, The entertainment industry has been playing a major role in daily life. The continents like Asia, Europe and United States played a prominent role in the market and developing number of alternative and innovative technologies as a part of Entertainment. The Entertainment modules are 1. Cinema 2. Video 3. Music 4. Publishing 5. Television As per the statistics and graphs provided, During 1995 and 2000 in Asia, 67 out of 100 had access and interest to such channels and 110 respectively. The growth was predominantly high. Whereas in Europe the growth was from 97 to 131 which was moderate. However, United states has been leading in this aspect and grew from 184 to 257. Hence, this shows that United States has always been a major game changer in entertainment world for which all the modules are being used in high amounts. Thanks & Regards, Indu
Dear sir,

The entertainment industry has been playing a major role in daily life. The continents like Asia, Europe and United States played a prominent role in the market and developing number of alternative and innovative technologies as a part of Entertainment.

The Entertainment modules are

1. Cinema

2. Video

3. Music

4. Publishing

5. Television

As per the statistics and graphs provided, During 1995 and 2000 in Asia, 67 out of 100 had access and interest to such channels and 110
respectively
. The growth was
predominantly
high.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
in Europe the growth was from 97 to 131 which was moderate.
However
,
The proper noun “United States” needs to be capitalized.
United states
It seems that the correct verb form here is “have”.
has
been leading in this aspect and grew from 184 to 257.

Hence
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that United States has always been a major game changer in entertainment world for which all the modules are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in high amounts.

Thanks & Regards,

Possible spelling mistake found.
Indu
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IELTS letter essay regarding a graph regarding cinema and TV

Letter
  American English
8 paragraphs
146 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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