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An employee asking for a promotion

An employee asking for a promotion Ow533
I'm Hoai Thanh from the import-export section. First of all, I'm really sorry for suddenly writing to you this email. In order not to waste your time, let me go straight to my purpose. I want to tell you about my desire for a promotion this year. Perhaps by this time, when all the works related to personnel evaluation has been completed, between a lot of works, there is no reason for you to notice to my email. However, I still want to write a few lines to express my thoughts and my desire, I hope I will be heard. Regarding personnel evaluation this year, I had a talk with my leader, after the talk, my leader’s agreed to put me on the list of promotions this year to submit to the manager. However, after the personel evaluations completed in the end, till now I know that I was not on the list of nominations submitted by the department. Perhaps, my leader, she also has her own reasons. Indeed, every personnel evaluation comes, everyone wants to be recognized, everyone feels that their contribution is worthy, to make a fair decision for all seems impossible, because everything is relative. However, I think there are thoughts that still need to be said. I have been in the import-export department for 1 year, in the past 1 year I have tried my best to complete the job well, to make improvements to the import-export section, to give my best support to my leader in many tasks. The things I have not achieved, the thing I am not good, I always try to find the ways to improve. I am always struggling with my thinking, how to improve myself, how to change the things that are not good. Because after all, life is just a journey, I am always afraid that at the end of this journey, I will regret for not doing enough, not living to the fullest. So, once I have tried, I want my efforts to be recognized, at least I must be able to tell you my desire, no matter what the evaluation results are. Finally, I really thank you for reading these confusing lines of mine. Then in a while, maybe both of you won't be here anymore, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you good health wherever you are. P/s: Knowing that we are in an uncertain period, when no one can predict how the future will change, living healthy, working normally during the pandemic, perhaps it’s the the company's efforts, is the luck for us, really grateful for that. Send feedback Side panels
I'm
Possible spelling mistake found.
Hoai
Thanh from the import-export section.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I'm
really
sorry for
suddenly
writing to you this email.

In order not to waste your time,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me go straight to my purpose.

I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
you about my desire for a promotion this year.

Perhaps by this time, when all the works related to personnel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evaluation
has
been completed
, between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
works, there is no reason for you to notice to my email.

However
, I
still
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to write a few lines to express my thoughts and my desire, I hope I will
be heard
.

Regarding personnel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evaluation
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, I had a talk with my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
, after the talk, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
to put me on the list of promotions this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
to submit to the manager.

However
, after the
Possible spelling mistake found.
personel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evaluations
completed in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, till
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
I know that I was not on the list of nominations submitted by the department. Perhaps, my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
, she
also
has her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
reasons.

Indeed
, every personnel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evaluation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
, everyone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
wants
to
be recognized
, everyone feels that their contribution is worthy, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
decision for all seems impossible,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
everything is relative.

However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there are thoughts that
still
need to
be said
.

I have been in the import-export department for 1
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
, in the past 1
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
I have tried my best to complete the job well, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
improvements to the import-export section, to give my best support to my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
leader
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tasks. The things I have not achieved, the thing I am not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, I always try to find the ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
. I am always struggling with my thinking, how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
myself, how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the things that are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
after all
, life is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a journey, I am always afraid that at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of this journey, I will regret for not doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
, not living to the fullest.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, once I have tried, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
my efforts to
be recognized
, at least I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
you my desire, no matter what the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
evaluation
results are.

Finally
, I
really
thank you for reading these confusing lines of mine.

Then in a while, maybe both of you won't be here anymore, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health wherever you are.

P/s: Knowing that we are in an uncertain period, when no one can predict how the future will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, living healthy, working
normally
during the pandemic, perhaps it’s
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
's efforts, is the luck for us,
really
grateful for that.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Send
feedback

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IELTS letter An employee asking for a promotion

Letter
  American English
16 paragraphs
437 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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