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young people today could not participate in helping their communities as they were in the past

young people today could not participate in helping their communities as they were in the past r8DOp
Since the end of last century, the concept of participating young people in helping their communities has been brought to the public attention. Some people believe that teenagers nowadays do not have enough time to involve in community services; however, others think that they participate in various volunteer jobs. From a personal perspective, the former point of view carries more weight, given that children these days are overwhelmed with plenty of tasks, such as studying, working and technology. The first and foremost point, young people have been exposed to a fierce competition, so they should study hard to improve their grades. For instance, prestigious schools in California need high GPA to accept students. Provided that high schoolers students want to admit to these schools, they should work as hard as they can to improve their intelligible capacity and achieve their goals. To put it in another way, nowadays young people spend most of their time studying to earn fundamental knowledge, critical thinking and skills to get a lovely career in the future, thus they build up their future with abundance prosperity. Consequently, teenagers do not have enough time to help their communities. Next, coupled with studying, working is another reason why young people’s time is so tight. For example, children in developed countries are under severe stress, given that they take loan from bank to apply for schools. Provided that they want to earn money for their tuition fees and all other collage related costs, they should work part time jobs in summer. Although involving in the practical life early could teach teenagers to take responsibilities, it could make them anxious and exhausted to do volunteer tasks for their communities. One final point, the technological inventions, such as the the internet attract teenagers. A good example, in developed countries, such as Canada and the United States, youngsters spend plenty time on technological media as the internet; moreover, all teenagers who access the world web have social media accounts either on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, they used these account to chat with their friends or tweet on their web-pages, so their social conversation skills are diminished. Therefore, the internet invention has a negative impact on participating kids in communities’ activities. Taking everything into consideration; without a doubt, young people today do not have enough time to help their communities. It is suggested that schools design learning activities to encourage students to carry out various volunteer roles for their societies.
Since the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of last century, the concept of participating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in helping their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
has
been brought
to the public attention.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
nowadays do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to involve in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
services;
however
, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they participate in various volunteer jobs. From a personal perspective, the former point of view carries more weight,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that children these days
are overwhelmed
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of tasks, such as studying, working and technology.

The
first
and foremost point,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
been exposed
to a fierce competition,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they should study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their grades.
For instance
, prestigious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in California need high GPA to accept students. Provided that high schoolers students want to admit to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, they should work as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
as they can to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their intelligible capacity and achieve their goals. To put it in another way, nowadays
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend most of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
studying to earn fundamental knowledge, critical thinking and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a lovely career in the future,
thus
they build up their future with abundance prosperity.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their communities.

Next
, coupled with studying, working is another reason why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
tight.
For example
, children in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
are under severe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
that they take loan from bank to apply for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. Provided that they want to earn money for their tuition fees and all other collage related costs, they should work part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
jobs in summer. Although involving in the practical life early could teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to take responsibilities, it could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them anxious and exhausted to do volunteer tasks for their communities.

One final point, the technological inventions, such as
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
internet attract
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example, in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
, such as Canada and the United States, youngsters spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on technological media as the internet;
moreover
, all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
who access the world web have social media accounts either on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
these account to chat with their friends or tweet on their web-pages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their social conversation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are diminished
.
Therefore
, the internet invention has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on participating kids in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities’
activities.

Taking everything into consideration; without a doubt,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
. It
is suggested
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
design learning activities to encourage students to carry out various volunteer roles for their societies.
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IELTS essay young people today could not participate in helping their communities as they were in the past

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
408 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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