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Young people now spend far too much time and money on following fashion trends (such as technology and clothing) to what extent do you agree or disagree?

Young people now spend far too much time and money on following fashion trends (such as technology and clothing) VlPd7
One of the basic needs of humans, i. e. , clothes have now become a way to flaunt high status in society. Also, the development in science, which is mainly essential to ease and support various tasks, is now the symbol of high class for teenagers. I completely agree that our youth is wasting unnecessary time and money to buy expensive clothes and electronic equipment. In my opinion young people nowadays are completely convinced that you worth as much as you belonging and that’s why they tend to buy excessively expensive clothing and technology. They would rather buy a designer bag than spending that money to spend time with their family. The young generation is almost completely disconnected from family bounds and hasn’t come yet to the realization that objects are supposed to serve to use and not vice- versa. On the other hand, expensive technology and clothes tend to live longer, so they can use them for an extensive time period. Meanwhile cheap clothes and technology won’t last long. Buying the latest technology helps developing new technology for the future generations. Furthermore, being well dressed sometimes really helps to get a new job, or even to have a higher position in our jobs because unfortunately we still are being judged for the way we look. In conclusion, I think that we shouldn’t send money in things that we don’t need. We should aim to buy quality things that last longer even if it means that they cost a little bit more. Designer clothes don’t show our status but once you are an adult being well dressed is really important. We all should try to find a balance between spending money on materialistic things and spending money with our family.
One of the basic needs of humans,
There should be no space here: "i.e.".
i. e.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
become a way to flaunt high status in society.
Also
, the development in science, which is
mainly
essential to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
and support various tasks, is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
the symbol of high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that our youth is wasting unnecessary time and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
and electronic equipment.

In my opinion young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
nowadays are completely convinced that you worth as much as
Did you mean "you're belonging", "you are belonging", or "you were belonging"?
you belonging
and that’s why they tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
excessively
expensive clothing and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. They would
rather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
a designer bag than spending that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to spend time with their family. The young generation is almost completely disconnected from family bounds and hasn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
yet
to the realization that objects
are supposed
to serve to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and not vice- versa.

On the other hand
, expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
them for an extensive time period.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Meanwhile
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
won’t last long. Buying the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
The verb 'helps' is used with an infinitive: "to develop" or "develop".
developing
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
for the future generations.
Furthermore
, being
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well dressed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a new job, or even to have a higher position in our jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
unfortunately we
still
are
being judged
for the way we look.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that we shouldn’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in things that we don’t need. We should aim to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
quality things that last longer even if it means that they cost a
Reduce redundancy by using "little" or "bit".
little bit
more. Designer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clothes
don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
our status
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
once you are an adult being
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well dressed
is
really
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. We all should try to find a balance between spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on materialistic things and spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
with our family.
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IELTS essay Young people now spend far too much time and money on following fashion trends (such as technology and clothing)

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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