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Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others in the same age. This is called "peer pressure". Do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages？ v.1

Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others in the same age. This is called "peer pressure". Do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages？ v. 1
It is true that many young people are easily influenced by their peers. While I accept that this can sometimes have a positive effect on children, I believe that it is more likely to have a harmful impact. On the one hand, the influence from peers can sometimes be beneficial to youngsters. First, peer pressure might help young adults reflect on their actions and amend their ways to become a better individual. Observing others working hard to achieve their goals will definitely encourage teenagers to put more effort into their own targets. For instance, when a teenager knows that his teammates are practising hard to become better basketball players, it will directly affect his own performance. Second, peer pressure can provide wider perspectives on the world young people are living in. The most efficient way to acquire new knowledge and useful skills is to learn from the peers that they socialize with. On the other hand, peer pressure can be a very destructive force. Mixing with bad company means that teenagers can be influenced by bad habits such as taking drugs, smoking and drinking. Furthermore, peer pressure can discourage adolescents from thinking independently. In some cases, they have to think and act like the whole group or they may even have to seek acceptance from their peers before making up their mind. Extreme peer pressure may lead youngsters to follow what their peers feel is right, resulting in a loss of independence in thought and behaviour. To sum up, I feel that peer pressure has more negative impact, even though it can sometimes be beneficial to the all-round development of an individual.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
easily
influenced by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
. While I accept that this can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on children, I believe that it is more likely to have a harmful impact.

On the one hand, the influence from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
be beneficial to youngsters.
First
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
young adults reflect on their actions and amend their ways to become a better individual. Observing others working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to achieve their goals will definitely encourage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to put more effort into their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
targets.
For instance
, when a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
knows that his teammates are
Possible spelling mistake. 'practising' is British English.
practising
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to become better basketball players, it will
directly
affect his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
performance. Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
can provide wider perspectives on the world young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are living in. The most efficient way to acquire new knowledge and useful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
is to learn from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
that they socialize with.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
can be a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
destructive force. Mixing with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
means that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can
be influenced
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits such as taking drugs, smoking and drinking.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
can discourage adolescents from thinking
independently
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
and act like the whole
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
group or
they may even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
seek acceptance from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making up their mind. Extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
may lead youngsters to follow what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peers
feel is right, resulting in a loss of independence in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

To sum up, I feel that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pressure
has more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact,
even though
it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
be beneficial to the all-round development of an individual.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Language is not a genetic gift, it is a social gift. Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Young people are often influenced in their behaviors and situations by others in the same age. This is called "peer pressure". Do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages？ v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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