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Working later the age of 60 can cause the issues be the opinion of certain individuals. I completely concur with this statement.

Working later the age of 60 can cause the issues be the opinion of certain individuals. I completely concur with this statement. 7WMek
First and foremost problem can be occurence of unemployment. The people who cross the age sixty are allowed to work then the younger ones can face the problems to find job due to if the elder permitted to continue their work for long time, the freshers might unemployed. The person can get chance to get job which leave by the above sixty person. Elder are not aware with the technology or computerised work. So, they may find difficulty to do work on computers. The productivity level decreased day by day by the age. They are not able to catch the things or new technology quickly and easily. Consequently, they should stop work after sixty to give chance to new generation. The another issue could be economic burden on government. The money of regime given in two ways to the elder ones like panshans and by doing work. In addition to it, the health and common urges are focused by the government of every person who cross the age sixty and salary of their work is given by the authorities. So it creates burden for government to concentrate on elders in economically.
First
and foremost problem can be
Possible spelling mistake found.
occurence
of unemployment. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who cross the age sixty are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
then the younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
can face the problems to find job due to if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
permitted to continue their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for long time, the freshers might unemployed. The person can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
job which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
by the above sixty
Possible agreement error. The noun 'person' seems to be countable, so consider using: "people", "persons".
person
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Elder
are not aware with the technology or
Possible spelling mistake. 'computerised' is British English.
computerised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they may find difficulty to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on computers. The productivity level decreased
This phrase is duplicated. You should probably leave only "day by".
day by day by
the age. They are not able to catch the things or new technology
quickly
and
easily
.
Consequently
, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
after sixty to give chance to new generation. The another issue could be economic burden on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
. The money of regime
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in two ways to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
like
Possible spelling mistake found.
panshans
and by doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
In addition
to it, the health and common urges
are focused
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of every person who cross the age sixty and salary of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
by the authorities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it creates burden for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to concentrate on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
elders
in
economically
.

IELTS essay Working later the age of 60 can cause the issues be the opinion of certain individuals. I completely concur with this statement.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
191 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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