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With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the Internet. What potential problems may this trend lead to? What solutions can you suggest to deal with it? v.3

With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the Internet. What potential problems may this trend lead to? What solutions can you suggest to deal with it? v. 3
With the advent of technology, social media has become a source of socialization for most of the individuals in the society, irrespective of their age, culture or status. The youth is the prominent section of the association, whom the website has been conveniently available. This unrestricted usage of media can lead to various problems for which amicable solutions are discussed in this essay. The first and foremost problem can be that of access to various inappropriate comfortable available on the net, by the youngsters. This comfortably can, sometimes, leave a negative impact on the young mind, which can in the long run affect their overall personality development. It could also be detrimental in the character building of the young ones at the same duration leading them to take some immature decisions of their life. To elaborate, a person viewing porn content, could be vulnerable to committing a rape or any such crime which could not be acceptable in the society. His ability to analyse right or wrong, can definitely be affected by such content. Secondly, unsupervised access of the website leads to wastage of duration of unproductive work. The majority of people spend their quality time in front of their mobile phone chatting on social handles or browsing the numerous posts. This could be profitable for so called social sites, but increases the number of unemployed youth glued to the internet. The young people, instead of thinking about their future, waste precious time and money on the internet just liking certain posts or criticizing something thereby reducing their own creativity and productivity. One solution to such problem can be by providing sufficient job opportunities for the various sections of the association so that people do not time to waste on such unproductive work but can on the other hand think positively about their own life. Besides this, filtering of the internet content by the telecom companies can also be beneficial in eradicating such problem to a large extent. To conclude, social media, no doubt, is an important medium for keeping in touch with the outside world, but its optimal utilization can be done by accessing it for some fruitful purpose which is beneficial for the society as well as the individual using it.
With the advent of technology,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media has become a source of socialization for most of the individuals in the society, irrespective of their age, culture or status. The youth is the prominent section of the association, whom the website has been
conveniently
available. This unrestricted usage of media can lead to various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
for which amicable solutions
are discussed
in this essay.

The
first
and foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
can be that of access to various inappropriate comfortable available on the net, by the youngsters. This
comfortably
can,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on the young mind, which can in the long run affect their
overall
personality development. It could
also
be detrimental in the character building of the young ones at the same duration leading them to take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
immature decisions of their life. To elaborate, a person viewing porn content, could be vulnerable to committing a rape or any such crime which could not be acceptable in the society. His ability to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
right or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
, can definitely be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
by such content.

Secondly
, unsupervised access of the website leads to wastage of duration of unproductive work. The majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend their quality time in front of their mobile phone chatting on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
handles
or browsing the numerous posts. This could be profitable for
It seems that a hyphen is missing.
so called
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
sites,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
increases the number of unemployed youth glued to the internet. The young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
instead
of thinking about their future, waste precious time and money on the internet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
liking certain posts or criticizing something thereby reducing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
creativity and productivity.

One solution to such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
can be by providing sufficient job opportunities for the various sections of the association
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
do not time to waste on such unproductive work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can
on the other hand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
positively
about their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
life.
Besides
this, filtering of the internet content by the telecom
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can
also
be beneficial in eradicating such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
to a large extent.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media, no doubt, is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
medium for keeping in touch with the outside world,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
its optimal utilization can
be done
by accessing it for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fruitful purpose which is beneficial for the society
as well
as the individual using it.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the Internet. What potential problems may this trend lead to? What solutions can you suggest to deal with it? v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
373 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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