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why people who leave school are more successful compare to those who complete their studies. give reason why they are successful? what is required to become successful? v.1

why people who leave school are more successful compare to those who complete their studies. give reason why they are successful? what is required to become successful? v. 1
Are there any differences between groups of people who have left the school and others who have completed their studies? Or it is just a fortune roller? I have no idea what kind of thoughts is more truthful, but I have already used to think that everyone is the master of his destiny. In my opinion, its lucky accident when a person without professional graduate became successful. But it's also not complicated to explain. First of all I should notice that the man who does have a big number of leisure time, obviously, can spend it with benefit for improving himself. And school and other educational institutions can't give it to students. Moreover, in fact, some teachers can be rude and in consequence, the student becomes nervous and have no opportunity to concentrate on studying. By the way, Unlike these people who have stopped their studies. They can manage time as it comfortable for them, their main goal is extremely exact, while students still haven't decided who they want to be. What should we do for being successful? First is determining the main goal. Then we should build a plan of reaching it. It must consist exact points in logical order. It is although necessary to surround yourself with as successful people as you want to become. However, I considered that everyone has a chance to become a prosperous master of his profession. All of us just have to work hard and do not anyone let you lose your self-confidence and belief.
Are there any differences between groups of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
the school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have completed their studies? Or it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a fortune roller? I have no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
what kind of thoughts is more truthful,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I have already
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that everyone is the master of his destiny.

In my opinion, its lucky accident when a person without professional graduate became successful.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it's
also
not complicated to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
I should notice that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
does have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
number of leisure time,
obviously
, can spend it with benefit for improving himself. And school and other educational institutions can't give it to students.

Moreover
, in fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
teachers can be rude and in consequence, the student becomes nervous and have no opportunity to concentrate on studying. By the way, Unlike these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
their studies. They can manage time as it comfortable for them, their main goal is
extremely
exact, while students
still
haven't decided
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
they want to be.

What should we do for being successful?
First
is determining the main goal. Then we should build a plan of reaching it. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
consist exact points in logical order. It is although necessary to surround yourself with as successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
as you want to become.

However
, I considered that everyone has a chance to become a prosperous master of his profession. All of us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and do not anyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
you lose your self-confidence and belief.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay why people who leave school are more successful compare to those who complete their studies. give reason why they are successful? what is required to become successful? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
252 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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