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why people don't show interest in art anymore.

why people don't show interest in art anymore. oEb5q
In this essay, I will write about why people don't show interest in art anymore. Nowadays the persons in the world are more attracted to science and technology because of how the world has changed over the years. To put it another way, individuals are consumed by technology, It's the only item we can think of. Having said that it is proven, that human beings are not more into art because it makes them think. Also because they said that all art is from the past, from the boring past. so then again, humanity is no longer interested in past items. Why would they, with all the new technology devices. Technology and science are stunning because all of it is new and shocking, but nothing compared to art. In art we can observe the past, how life was, the traditions, the clothing, and so much more. A small piece of art can reveal a whole amazing story. We are surrounded by art, we just do not notice, the incredible universe of art. Instead of going out, of doing something, we are on our devices, ve never see anything extraordinary from there. We think there is no more than our phones, but that is because we do not explore. Although we can watch art from our mobile, however, it is not the same. For example, we can observe a painting picture, but it not the same, as contemplating it as in real life, first, you do not feel the vibe the paint is giving, second, you can not take pictures with it, Third, you do not learn anything from watching that picture, because probably you will not even see it. In general, both things are amazing, and we can learn differently from each one, however they are so different, and each one is special. In my opinion, we must keep doing and learning from art. I understand if you do not like museums but there are so many ways of enjoying art. Let's appreciate more art, every single art piece is special and has a story to tell.
In this essay, I will write about why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
anymore.

Nowadays the persons in the world are more attracted to science and technology
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of how the world has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
over the years.

To put it another way, individuals
are consumed
by technology, It's the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
item we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of.

Having said that it
is proven
, that human beings are not more into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they said that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
is from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
, from the boring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
so
then again, humanity is no longer interested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
items. Why would they, with all the new technology devices.

Technology and science are stunning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
all of it is new and shocking,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
nothing compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. In
The comma is probably missing here: "art, we".
art we
can observe the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
past
, how life was, the traditions, the clothing, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much more. A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
piece of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
can reveal a whole amazing story.

We
are surrounded
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
do not notice, the incredible universe of art.

Instead
of going out, of doing something, we are on our devices, ve never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
anything extraordinary from there. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
there is no more than our phones,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we do not explore.

Although we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
from our mobile,
however
, it is not the same.

For example
, we can observe a painting picture,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it not the same, as contemplating it as in real life,
first
, you do not feel the vibe the paint is giving, second, you can not take pictures with it, Third, you do not learn anything from watching that picture,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
probably
you will not even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
it.

In general
, both things are amazing, and we can learn
differently
from each one,
however
they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
, and each one is special.

In my opinion, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
doing and learning from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. I understand if you do not like museums
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways of enjoying art.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
's appreciate more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
, every single
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
piece is special and has a story to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
.
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IELTS essay why people don't show interest in art anymore.

Essay
  American English
12 paragraphs
347 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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