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why do you want to go to tomujin alternative high school?

why do you want to go to tomujin alternative high school? 7a086
At my current school I just write down what does my teacher said and copy- paste the text book. When I got back from school all I do was those assignments and the homework they assigned. Finally when I studied all day long I went to bed. That was my entire school routine since 7th grade. I don’t want to waste my whole high school year just copying and calculating. I do want to follow my passion and learn new things. And I hope Tomujin alternative high school will help me to become empowered and give me an skills that will be need in my life. Also one of the reason is the environment. The students will sharpen themselves to achieve their goal, because the community will be built of 200 different individuals whos have their own paasion and own trait. I really wish to join them and help somebody to become stronger and happier. When I graduate I want to see a open-minded independent woman who uses her knowledge to help others. And I wish her to be an alumna of tomujin
At my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
write down what does my teacher said and copy- paste the text book. When I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
back from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
all I do was those assignments and the homework they assigned.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Finally
when I studied all day long I went to bed. That was my entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
routine since 7th grade. I don’t want to waste my whole high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
year
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
copying and calculating. I do want to follow my passion and learn new things. And I hope
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tomujin
alternative high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to become empowered and give me an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that will
be need
in my life.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
one of the reason is the environment. The students will sharpen themselves to achieve their goal,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the community will
be built
of 200
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
individuals
Possible spelling mistake found
whos
have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake found.
paasion
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
trait. I
really
wish to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
them and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
somebody to become stronger and happier.

“When” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
When
I graduate I want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
open-minded independent woman who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
her knowledge to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others. And I wish her to be an alumna of
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
tomujin
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IELTS essay why do you want to go to tomujin alternative high school?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
182 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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