Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Why do you want this scholarship? Discuss your personal perspective and the benefits you can give to the society

Why do you want this scholarship? Discuss your personal perspective and the benefits you can give to the society XGyjO
Ever since I was young I have always been quiet and shy. Every individual possesses diverse talents, weakness and strength. And I have always known that one of my weaknesses is a lack of communication skill which I am still working on. I firmly believe that being aware of my weakness gives me a clear understanding of the things that is holding me back. Therefore, I decided to challenge myself by playing in a basketball team when basketball tournament held at school in 2018. Even if I tried my best, I spoiled the team by failing to defend an opponent. At a time I received a lot of judgment. From this experience I found a quality to focus on the positivity aspect of judgment which helped me a lot to see my mistakes. And a year after I played on the same team and got silver, which means a lot to me. From my perspective, initial failures are essential part of the success. Since then I started to see the benefits of teamwork such as seeing things from others eye, develop communication skill, receiving judgments and learning from others/my mistake. Even though, communication skill plays a significant role in our personal growth, academic skill is as important as it. But the problem is that the quality of education decreases every year owing to under-qualified teachers. Ill-informed teachers are unable to reflect the demands of students and fostering of student's self-esteem. And schools are focused only on academic knowledge and think that the school is supposed to teach about a particular subject. In addition, students cannot get the essential skills when encountering to the real world such as how to financially survive, how to manage time etc. For this reason, I chose my career as an English teacher and I'm willing to change the faulty education system. Therefore I am flinging myself into my initial goal of studying abroad. And I'm in need of a mentor whom I can pick his/her brain on subjects and help me to understand every aspect of life and lead me to the right path which is the reason I chose "Tomujin Alternative School". But it costs far more than I could afford which leads me to want this scholarship. I truly believe that the Tomujin Alternative School would give me a hand to get closer to my lifelong dream.
Ever since I was young I have always been quiet and shy. Every individual possesses diverse talents, weakness and strength. And I have always known that one of my weaknesses is a lack of communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
which I am
still
working on. I
firmly
believe that being aware of my weakness gives me a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
understanding of the things
that is
holding me back.
Therefore
, I decided to challenge myself by playing in a basketball team when basketball tournament held at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
in 2018. Even if I tried my best, I spoiled the team by failing to defend an opponent. At a time I received
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
judgment. From this experience I found a quality to focus on the positivity aspect of judgment which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
me a lot to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
my mistakes. And a year after I played on the same team and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
silver, which means a lot to me. From my perspective, initial failures are essential part of the success. Since
The comma is probably missing here: "then, I".
then I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the benefits of teamwork such as seeing things from others eye, develop communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
, receiving judgments and learning from others/my mistake.
Even though
, communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
plays a significant role in our personal growth, academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
is as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
the problem is that the quality of education decreases every year owing to under-qualified teachers. Ill-informed teachers are unable to reflect the demands of students and fostering of student's self-esteem. And
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are focused
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on academic knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
is supposed
to teach about a particular subject.
In addition
, students cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
when encountering to the real world such as how to
financially
survive, how to manage time etc.
For this reason
, I chose my career as an English teacher and I'm willing to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the faulty education system.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
I am flinging myself into my initial goal of studying abroad. And I'm in need of a mentor whom I can pick his/her brain on subjects and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
me to understand every aspect of life and lead me to the right path which is the reason I chose
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tomujin
Alternative School
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
it costs far more than I could afford which leads me to want this scholarship. I
truly
believe that the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tomujin
Alternative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
would give me a hand to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
closer to my lifelong dream.
What do you think?
  • This is funny writingFunny
  • I love this writingLove
  • This writing has blown my mindWow
  • It made me angryAngry
  • It made me sadSad

IELTS essay Why do you want this scholarship? Discuss your personal perspective and the benefits you can give to the society

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
394 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Recent posts