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Why do we need music? Is the traditional music more important than the international music?

Why do we need music? Is the traditional music more important than the international music? PEg8B
In the modern life, people are living in the polluted environment including noise. So, they find a way to avoid the unwanted voice by listening music. Generally, people accept that music can make us to be relax. Most of the articles suggest to listen a favorite music when we are aggressive or irritant. After struggling an exhausted day, some people take a rest by listening to music or singing a song, or some people dance follow to the rhythm to make them relaxing. Moreover, music can make us to be strong in our position and to be courage in our life. One lyric of a song changes our life to be positive. That kinds of music can be found as a song track in the movies produced by Disney. For example, “Million to one” by Camila Camelo in Cindrella 2021 give us a suggestion; “Not give up and keep go on whatever you want. One day dream true come true if you are keeping on trying. Music can be used as a cultural exchange thing when two groups from different backgrounds meet. Thus, we can see that the traditional performances including singing, dancing involve as a one session in a diplomatic meeting of different countries. In general, we can understand the standard of their culture by listening to their music. A country should have own style of music but it does not mean the traditional music is more important than other countries’ music. The traditional music can guide us to search heritage, culture and norms. The traditional music is important to keep as a part of history, on the other hand it should be updated to fix with the present day. To upgrade the traditional one, we need to listen other types of music all around the words. Conclusion, music needs in our daily life to be relax and to advice positive thinking. The traditional music is not important than the international music.
In the modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are living in the polluted environment including noise.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, they find a way to avoid the unwanted voice by listening
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Generally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
accept that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us to be
Consider using a past participle here: "relaxed".
relax
. Most of the articles
The verb 'suggest' is used with the gerund form: "suggest listening".
suggest to listen
a favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
when we are aggressive or irritant. After struggling an exhausted day,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
take a rest by listening to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or singing a song, or
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
dance follow to the rhythm to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them relaxing.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us to be strong in our position and to be courage in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. One lyric of a song
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
. That kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
be found
as a song
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
in the movies produced by Disney.
For example
, “Million to one” by Camila
Possible spelling mistake found.
Camelo
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Cindrella
2021 give us a suggestion; “Not give up and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
go on whatever you want. One day dream true
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
true if you are keeping on trying.

Music can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a cultural exchange thing when two groups from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
backgrounds
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
.
Thus
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
performances including singing, dancing involve as a one session in a diplomatic meeting of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries.
In general
, we can understand the standard of their culture by listening to their music.

A country should have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
style of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not mean the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than other countries’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can guide us to search heritage, culture and norms. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
as a part of history,
on the other hand
it should
be updated
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fix
with the present day. To upgrade the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
one, we need to listen other types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
all around the words.

Conclusion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
needs in our daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to be
Consider using a past participle here: "relaxed".
relax
and to advice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
thinking. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is not
Use "(important)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
important
than the international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
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IELTS essay Why do we need music? Is the traditional music more important than the international music?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
323 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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