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Writing task 2, life of older people

Writing task 2, life of older people EdlPq
It is true that, as people become old they face a lot of hurdles, making their daily life difficult. This can be due to a lot of reasons. In this essay i will clearly state the reasons for my view and support it with possible examples and incidents. Firstly, to begin with the most significant factor responsible for this is the rising prevalence of different kinds of morbidities in older people, few of them being Diabetes, Hypertension, Arthritis, Dementia, Hearing loss, Diminished vision. According to recent findings, it is evident that, incidence of these diseases is higher after the age of 40. For instance, my grandmother, who is 65 years old, suffers from Arthritis and it hinders her from performing day to day chores, as she cannot walk or stand for a longer time. Furthermore, they require a good amount of money for their expensive medicines, which makes it even more problematic. Absence of a proper financial aid, can alleviate their struggles. In addition, not only health related issues, but also the lack of support from family and friends is also an important factor that makes their lives cumbersome. Most of the children look after their parents with a great deal of empathy, whereas, there are some people who do not bother about their mother and father, abandoning them in their 50's by leaving them in old age homes and nursing facilities. I remember a peculiar incident regarding my neighbors, who admitted their mother in a home for aged. Initially, it was good but as time passed by they stopped visiting her due to time constraints and the staff, who are looking after their mother reported that, she was always filled with sorrow as she used to her kids and grandkids. So not only physically, but also, mentally she was unhealthy. In conclusion, i believe that as you get older, life can throw you a lot of hurdles. But this is not unsurmountable and can be tackled by taking good care of them and this responsibility lies within us. Government can also display it's efforts by reducing the cost of medicines, for older people with poor financial background.
It is true that, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
they face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
hurdles, making their daily life difficult. This can be due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
reasons. In this essay
Did you mean "I"?
i
will
clearly
state the reasons for my view and support it with possible examples and incidents.

Firstly
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with the most significant factor responsible for this is the rising prevalence of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of
Possible spelling mistake found.
morbidities
in older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, few of them being Diabetes, Hypertension, Arthritis, Dementia, Hearing loss, Diminished vision. According to recent findings, it is evident that, incidence of these diseases is higher after the age of 40.
For instance
, my grandmother,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
, suffers from Arthritis and it hinders her from performing
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
chores, as she cannot walk or stand for a longer time.
Furthermore
, they require a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
amount of money for their expensive medicines, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it even more problematic. Absence of a proper financial aid, can alleviate their struggles.

In addition
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
health related issues,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the lack of support from family and friends is
also
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
cumbersome. Most of the children look after their parents with a great deal of empathy, whereas, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not bother about their mother and father, abandoning them in their
Apostrophes aren't needed for decades: "50s".
50's
by leaving them in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age homes and nursing facilities. I remember a peculiar incident regarding my neighbors,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
admitted their mother in a home for aged.
Initially
, it was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
as time passed by they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stopped
visiting her due to time constraints and the staff,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are looking after their mother reported that, she was always filled with sorrow as she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to her kids and
Possible spelling mistake found.
grandkids
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
physically
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
, mentally she was unhealthy.

In conclusion
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
believe that as you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
older, life can throw you
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
hurdles.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
this is not unsurmountable and can
be tackled
by taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
care of them and this responsibility lies within us.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
can
also
display
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun) instead of 'it's' (=it is)?
it's
efforts by reducing the cost of medicines, for older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
with poor financial background.
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IELTS essay Writing task 2, life of older people

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
358 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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