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Why do people go to university/college?

Why do people go to university/college? XGo2O
Undoubtedly, there is now a general consensus among human beings that everyone must be graduated, but why people held this view? Of those sundries of reasons to be mentioned, finding a prestigious job and having a higher social rank are the points that should be dwelled upon here. First of all, on no account would anyone neglect the significance of money, which is paid as a salary thanks to the job we do, in our lives. Being educated paves the way to find a favorable occupation. For example, my brother was a taxi driver, he worked almost twelve hours a day. Despite he worked diligently he gained only a little amount of money which he could afford just his apartment’s loan. He always was nagging about this situation and he was not comfortable at all. In the meantime, he continued his education career at the university. He was a student in the civil engineering field, and finally, he graduated. He is an engineer now and he does not drive a taxi anymore, contradictory, he has a private driver and he is the owner of a few cars and apartments. Consequently, finding a beneficial work is strongly related to being prosperous in studying at the university. Secondly, never can anyone ever cast a shadow of doubt on the importance of the being an acceptable person in a society. Well, the university help persons to achieve this goal. For instance, my friend ended his lessons after he finished the high school. He was in love with a girl and they imagined to marry each other. Anyway, the parents of the girl not only resisted with this marriage but also they denounced my friend in the light of his low-level education. This incident made Tom upset and persuaded him to resume his study. He started to study in order to win university and he prospered. He is a famous doctor now and most of the girls dream to be his spouse. As a result, a university is a place which helps individuals to be a selected man in the future. To put in the nutshell, I have personally subscribed to the view that people should continue their educational career in the colleges and universities. Educated people are in a higher rank in the society and they find more beneficial jobs. It is high time government subsidized anyone who dreams to be involved in the university courses.
Undoubtedly
, there is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a
Consider using "consensus".
general consensus
among human beings that everyone
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be graduated
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
why
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
held this view? Of those sundries of reasons to
be mentioned
, finding a prestigious job and having a higher social rank are the points that should be
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "dwelt", the past tense form of the verb 'dwell'?
dwelled
upon here.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, on no account would anyone neglect the significance of money, which
is paid
as a salary thanks to the job we do, in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
Being educated
paves the way to find a favorable occupation.
For example
, my brother was a taxi driver, he worked almost twelve hours a day. Despite he worked
diligently
he gained
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
amount of money which he could afford
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
his apartment’s loan. He
The adverb 'always' usually goes after the verb 'was'.
always was
nagging about this
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
situation and
he was not comfortable at all. In the meantime, he continued his education career at the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
. He was a student in the civil engineering field, and
finally
, he graduated. He is an engineer
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
now and
he does not drive a taxi anymore, contradictory, he has a private
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
driver and
he is the owner of a few cars and apartments.
Consequently
, finding a beneficial work is
strongly
related to being prosperous in studying at the university.

Secondly
, never can anyone ever cast a shadow of doubt on the importance of
Please check whether a word is missing between 'the' and 'being' or whether 'the' is the correct determiner.
the
being an acceptable person in a society. Well, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
persons to achieve this goal.
For instance
, my friend ended his lessons after he finished the high school. He was in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
with a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
girl and
they
The verb 'imagined' is used with the gerund form: "imagined marrying".
imagined to marry
each other. Anyway, the parents of the girl not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
resisted with this marriage
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they denounced my friend in the light of his low-level education. This incident made Tom upset and persuaded him to resume his study. He
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to study in order to win
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
university and
he prospered. He is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
doctor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
and most of the girls dream to be his spouse.
As a result
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
is a place which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
individuals to be a selected
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
in the future.

To put in the nutshell, I have
personally
subscribed to the view that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should continue their educational career in the colleges and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
. Educated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are in a higher rank in the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
society and
they find more beneficial jobs. It is high time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
subsidized anyone who dreams to
be involved
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
courses.

IELTS essay Why do people go to university/college?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
403 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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