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who should be responsible for our old people? Who should be responsible for our old people?

who should be responsible for our old people? Who should be responsible for our old people? AjrB1
One of the worst challenging problem of today's society is the question who should be responsible for our old people. It's not only a financial problem but also a question of the system we want our society to have. In my essay I would like to tour different models. Firstly, the company can be responsible for their retired employees. For this reason, a special fund could be established. The advantage of this model is, if you belief in the capitalist system, that it should be the cheapest solution. A possible problem is that the companies might have competitive disadvantage due to higher staff costs. A second solution is that the government has to sale the responsibility for the old people's care. It can finance this with its tax incomes. Actually, this is the most democratic model since everybody gets as much money as he or she needs. Unfortunately, as the present situation in our country shows, this solution seems not to work very well. The government can no longer afford supporting all the old peoples. Another way of solving this problem is to give back the responsibility to the individual. That means that everybody must save money during their working life for the time after their achievement. This seems to be not a very fair model because their will certainly exist people who can't afford to save part of their salary. In this case the government would have to care for them. A last solution is to go back to the old model of the "big family" who cares for all their members. I could think this is possible in our days society because the family structures have so much changed. To sum up, I must admit that I can't find a really good solution for this problem. All models have advantages and disadvantages. Certainly, we have to think about this topic much more in the future.
One of the worst challenging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's society is
This sounds awkward in English. The standard is "the question of who".
the question who
should be responsible for our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. It's not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a question of the system we want our society to have. In my essay I would like to tour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
models.

Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
can be responsible for their retired employees.
For this reason
, a special fund could
be established
. The advantage of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
is, if you
Did you mean "believe" (verb) instead of belief (noun)?
belief
in the capitalist system, that it should be the cheapest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
. A possible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
might have competitive disadvantage due to higher staff costs.

A second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
sale the responsibility for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's care. It can finance this with its tax incomes. Actually, this is the most democratic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
since everybody
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
as much money as he or she needs. Unfortunately, as the present situation in our country
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
seems not to work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
well. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can no longer afford supporting all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
peoples.

Another way of solving this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is to give back the responsibility to the individual. That means that everybody
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
save money during their working life for the time after their achievement. This seems to be not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their will
certainly
exist
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who can't afford to save part of their salary.
In this case
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
care for them.

A last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
is to go back to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
model
of the
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
family
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
who cares for all their members. I could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this is possible in our days society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the family structures have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.

To sum up, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
admit that I can't find a
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. All
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
models
have advantages and disadvantages.
Certainly
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
about this topic much more in the future.
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IELTS essay who should be responsible for our old people? Who should be responsible for our old people?

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
317 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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