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Who among artists and scientists are beneficial.Why?

Who among artists and scientists are beneficial. Why? VlB67
Both artists and scientists are supremely beneficial to the society but, in my culture artists are valued more. First and foremost artists contribute to the entertainment and leisure activities which attracts a lot of people. Secondly, artists have more face value than scientists and are recognized instantly by laymen. For instance, movie stars or singers are respected and recognized much more than scientists. In conclusion, both scientists and artists contribute immensely to the society though only artists are valued more in the society I live in.
Both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
are
supremely
beneficial to the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
, in my culture
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are valued
more.
First
and foremost
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
contribute to the entertainment and leisure activities which attracts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
have more face value than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and
are recognized
instantly
by laymen.
For instance
, movie stars or singers
are respected
and recognized much more than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
.
In conclusion
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
contribute
immensely
to the society though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
artists
are valued
more in the society I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in.
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IELTS essay Who among artists and scientists are beneficial. Why?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
86 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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