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Which of the following acts have more influence on you, newspaper, TV, orteachers? Explain the reason with specific details v.1

Which of the following acts have more influence on you, newspaper, TV, orteachers? Explain the reason with specific details v. 1
It is argued that global charitable agencies use the help of public figures to attract attention to the cause, others believe that celebrities take the concentration away from the main issue. In my opinion, although influential people help with raising awareness to the problem, sometimes they can be the reason to divert the public from the issue. On the one hand, involving celebs helps draw attention to the ongoing problems. That is to say, people see well known figures as role models and when they get involved to support a cause they fan groups also follow them and this brings awareness to the issue worldwide. For example, when Michael Jordan spoke on the United Nation platform about Syrian refugee crisis, many of his followers around the world donated funds to the relief agencies to help refugees. Therefore, I believe that famous individuals can be helpful in addressing challenges faced around the world, however instead of focusing on the dilemma they shed light on them. On the other hand, there are times when influential personal divert the focus of the whole campaign to them. Many times instead of discussing about finding a solution to the main cause the famous personal becomes the topic of discussion that make the problem looks less trivial. For instance, Tom cruise attended a relief conference in United State to address the disasters caused by climate change around the globe, still, instead of paying attention on solving the issue people were talking to him about this career and future movie projects. In conclusion, because public figures have influence over their followers, they can make a difference by highlighting the problem, however, they can sometimes also make the issue look less trivial.
It
is argued
that global charitable agencies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
of public figures to attract attention to the cause, others believe that celebrities take the concentration away from the main
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
. In my opinion, although influential
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
with raising awareness to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they can be the reason to divert the public from the issue.

On the one hand, involving celebs
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
draw attention to the ongoing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
.
That is
to say,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
well known figures as role models and when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved to support a
Did you mean "because they"?
cause they
fan groups
also
follow them and this brings awareness to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
worldwide.
For example
, when Michael Jordan spoke on the United Nation platform about Syrian refugee crisis,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of his followers around the world donated funds to the relief agencies to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
refugees.
Therefore
, I believe that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
individuals can be helpful in addressing challenges faced around the world,
however
instead
of focusing on the dilemma they shed light on them.

On the other hand
, there are times when influential personal divert the focus of the whole campaign to them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
times
instead
of
Did you mean simply "discussing finding"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discussing about finding
a solution to the main cause the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
personal becomes the topic of discussion that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
looks less trivial.
For instance
,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Tom cruise
attended a relief conference in United State to address the disasters caused by climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
around the globe,
still
,
instead
of paying attention on solving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were talking to him about this career and future movie projects.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
public figures have influence over their followers, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a difference by highlighting the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
,
however
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
issue
look less trivial.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Which of the following acts have more influence on you, newspaper, TV, orteachers? Explain the reason with specific details v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
284 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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