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Which city in the world would you like to visit? Give specific reasons and details to explain your choice. v.4

Which city in the world would you like to visit? Give specific reasons and details to explain your choice. v. 4
Some individuals purchase expensive products that are not necessary, which leads them into financial troubles. The reasons for this are excessive advertisement from the companies and people maintaining their social status. This can be avoided with the aid of the government as well as having a precise budget plan. To commence with, people choose to spend their money due to two main causes. Firstly, the organizations are advertising about their items in a creative way. This influences them to check out their things, although they had no intention of purchasing. For instance, the makeup products of a prominent company- Maybelline, advertises attractively, which makes women to buy without a second thought. Secondly, most of the citizens would like to behave as an opulent person. As a result, they acquire international garments to be seen as socially acceptable. For example, many teenagers are interested in owning foreign branded goods like Zara, to stand out from their friends. In short, people are attracted to own the products that are advertised online and wear fancy clothes to portray their richness and get into debt. However, this can be prevented by taking up a few measures. The government should conduct workshops to educate people about finances, which would be conducive to living a comfortable life without any loans. Furthermore, they can have a clear plan about how to spend their expenses in order to save money and buy things they need. For example, if the adults spend less amount on their credit cards, they do not have to worry about paying huge interests. If people do not take any action towards this behaviour, then it increases stress and leads to depression of not being able to pay back the money they spent. In conclusion, although individuals acquire items that are unwanted they can control their spending by following an allowance plan.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
expensive products that are not necessary, which leads them into financial troubles. The reasons for this are excessive advertisement from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
maintaining their social status. This can
be avoided
with the aid of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
as well
as having a precise budget plan.

To commence with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
choose to spend their money due to two main causes.
Firstly
, the organizations are advertising about their items
Consider replacing "in a creative way" with the adverb for "creative"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a creative way
. This influences them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
check
out their things, although they had no intention of purchasing.
For instance
, the makeup products of a prominent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
- Maybelline, advertises
attractively
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
women to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
without a second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
.
Secondly
, most of the citizens would like to behave as an opulent person.
As a result
, they acquire international garments to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as
socially
acceptable.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are interested
in owning foreign branded
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
like Zara, to stand out from their friends. In short,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are attracted
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
the products that
are advertised
online and wear fancy clothes to portray their richness and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into debt.

However
, this can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevented
by taking up a few measures. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should conduct workshops to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
about finances, which would be conducive to living a comfortable life without any loans.
Furthermore
, they can have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
plan about how to spend their expenses in order to save money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things they need.
For example
, if the adults spend less amount on their credit cards, they do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
worry about paying huge interests. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not take any action towards this
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, then it increases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and leads to depression of not being able to pay back the money they spent.

In conclusion
, although individuals acquire items that
are unwanted
they can control their spending by following an allowance plan.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay Which city in the world would you like to visit? Give specific reasons and details to explain your choice. v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
307 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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