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Whether high-intensity activities should be removed completely in the sports field or not, I firmly believe it is unnecessary to not be participating in any extreme sports due to the profit it brings to both individuals and the masses.

Whether high-intensity activities should be removed completely in the sports field or not, I firmly believe it is unnecessary to not be participating in any extreme sports due to the profit it brings to both individuals and the masses. d3PLX
Whether high-intensity activities should be removed completely in the sports field or not, I firmly believe it is unnecessary to not be participating in any extreme sports due to the profit it brings to both individuals and the masses. If extreme sports will not be able to appear in the future, a handful of extreme sport coaches will be highly influenced in earning a living. A practical example is workers whose job is skydiving coach in Ha Giang, Vietnam. In a large demand of discovering and experiencing the entire Ha Giang at one glance from travellers, skydiving is opened. Hence, skydiving is a well-paid and appealing chance for those who want to decide as a stable job. Therefore, the disappearance of the masses of extreme sports can lead to a tremendous amount of employee opportunities and an attractive way of making money. With the loss of high-intensity activities, the government-who are beneficiaries in this case will be affected as well. Extreme sports are now considered as a worldwide sport, so if one’s country banned this field, it will less attract both travellers and foreigners, especially whose sport lovers. This can lead to a sharp fall in tourism. Consequently, travelling can be followed by a select few whose decision is to one's country. Moreover, the government can loss of financial track in a long-term plan. In conclusion, I think it is not suitable to reduce extreme sports since the benefits of this field are still developing in a strong way and it can be flourished in the near future.
Whether high-intensity activities should
be removed
completely in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
field or not, I
firmly
believe it is unnecessary to not be participating in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
due to the profit it brings to both individuals and the masses.

If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
will not be able to appear in the future, a handful of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
coaches will be
highly
influenced in earning a living. A practical example is workers whose job is skydiving coach in Ha
Possible spelling mistake found.
Giang
, Vietnam. In a large demand of discovering and experiencing the entire Ha
Possible spelling mistake found.
Giang
at one glance from
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
, skydiving
is opened
.
Hence
, skydiving is a well-paid and appealing chance for those who want to decide as a stable job.
Therefore
, the disappearance of the masses of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
can lead to a tremendous amount of employee opportunities and an attractive way of making money.

With the loss of high-intensity activities, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
-who are beneficiaries
in this case
will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
affected
as well
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
considered as a worldwide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
if one’s country banned this field, it will less attract both
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
and foreigners,
especially
whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
lovers. This can lead to a sharp fall in tourism.
Consequently
, travelling can
be followed
by a select few whose decision is to one's country.
Moreover
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can
"loss" is a noun. Did you mean the verb "lose" (= 'to lose')?
loss
of financial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
in a long-term plan.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is not suitable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
since the benefits of this field are
still
developing
Consider replacing "in a strong way" with the adverb for "strong"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a strong way
and it can
be flourished
in the near future.
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IELTS essay Whether high-intensity activities should be removed completely in the sports field or not, I firmly believe it is unnecessary to not be participating in any extreme sports due to the profit it brings to both individuals and the masses.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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