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Whether children should be allowed to watch television is debated.

Whether children should be allowed to watch television is debated. MmDO6
Whether children should be allowed to watch television is debated. I believe that children should not be allowed to watch television; because being in front of the television for a long time will negatively affect the child's socialization and creativity. The first reason is negative effects of watching television on children’s mental development. To illustrate, a child who watches more than an hour of television a day first begins to experience problems such as distraction and inability to distinguish between reality and dream. Psychological problems should be treated as the second reason children don't watch television. For instance, a child who is exposed to constant television viewing will also have extreme negativity in the most important factors that determine a child's lifestyle, such as unsociability, propensity for violence, behavioral disorder, lack of communication after a certain period. Thirdly, the issue of education should be addressed. As a child's dependence on television increases, the child's interest in school will gradually decrease. To sum up, there are many negative factors, especially psychological, mental and educational problems, for children not to be allowed to watch television. If a family cares about their child's personal development, they should take control of television viewing time.
“Whether” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whether
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children
should be
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allowed
to
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watch
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television
is debated
. I believe that
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children
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
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watch
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television
;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
being in front of the
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television
for a long time will
negatively
affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
socialization and creativity. The
first
reason is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mental development. To illustrate, a child who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watches
more than an hour of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
a day
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
to experience problems such as distraction and inability to distinguish between reality and dream. Psychological problems should
be treated
as the second reason
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children
don't
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
.
For instance
, a child who
is exposed
to constant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
viewing will
also
have extreme negativity in the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors that determine a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
lifestyle, such as
Possible spelling mistake found.
unsociability
, propensity for violence, behavioral disorder, lack of communication after a certain period.
Thirdly
, the issue of education should
be addressed
. As a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
dependence on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
increases, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
interest in school will
gradually
decrease. To sum up, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
factors,
especially
psychological, mental and educational problems, for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
not to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
watch
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
. If a family cares about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child's
personal development, they should take control of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
television
viewing time.
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IELTS essay Whether children should be allowed to watch television is debated.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
200 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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