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When and why I started doing my hobby

When and why I started doing my hobby bxb0q
When I was a high school student, I was a member of high school swimming club. Before I participated in this team, I was not interested in swimming. Because of my friend's recommendation, I decided to join the swimming team. At first, I could not swim fast, but I became to like swimming more and more since there were a lot of friends who were good at swimming. All of them were kind, so everyone taught me how to swim fast. As a result, I could improve my swimming skills and enjoy swimming with them. When I retired the club, I was so sad because I thought I could not swim with my friends forever. After graduating high school, there are fewer times to swim than my high school-days. However, I keep in mind that I swim once a month as a hobby. There are many reasons why I started to swim regularly. First, I can keep healthy because people consume a lot of energies by swimming. Second, I like to soak in water. Especially when it is summer, I can feel cool when I swim in cold water. Lastly, we could get along with so many people by swimming with other people. So I believe that not only swimming, but also any other activities have the power to connect with other people.
When I was a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school student, I was a member of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school swimming club.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Before
I participated in this team, I was not interested in swimming.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of my friend's recommendation, I decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the swimming team. At
first
, I could not
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swim
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I became to like swimming more and more since there were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
friends who were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at swimming. All of them were kind,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
everyone taught me how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
swim
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
.
As a result
, I could
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improve
my swimming
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and enjoy swimming with them. When I retired the club, I was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
sad
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
I could not
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swim
with my friends forever.

After
The verb 'to graduate' requires the preposition 'from': "graduating from".
graduating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school, there are fewer times to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
swim
than my
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high
school-days.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
in mind that I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
swim
once a month as a hobby. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
swim
regularly
.
First
, I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
healthy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consume
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
energies by swimming. Second, I like to soak in water.
Especially
when it is summer, I can feel cool when I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
swim
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cold
water.
Lastly
, we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
along with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by swimming with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
I believe that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
swimming,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
any other activities have the power to connect with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
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IELTS essay When and why I started doing my hobby

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
223 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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