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What would you like to change in this world?

What would you like to change in this world? WEG6N
Currently in this world, various things need to be changed. Who have extremely destructive effect on life. I would like to change social media needs in our daily life. In this article, I will discuss my point of views. Technology has changed our life completely due of this, We usually spend time on social media. Without knowing effect of this we don't think before posting a picture on Instagram, Facebook, Tiktok and Snapchat. It has been proven that when we get like on social media endorphins are released. Therefore, social media has controlled our feeling, like it has got our body's remote control. In my life, social media does not have control because I merely use it to when I have to contact with my family. Technology helps us to resolve problems not to create difficulties for own health. Through to video call I always feel close to them. But young people are become addicted of social media, they couldn't imagine their life would continue without it. If we use social media just to contact family and friends it will be beneficial for us. But nowdays young people has cut of physically to meeting people and reduce the exercise. For instance, they are facing health diseases and their communication skill are just disappear. Changing social media need would help them to meet people and will encourage them to do physically workout instead of playing games on phone. To conclude, we have to promote physically communicate with our local family and friend instead of calling or face timing them. We always have to think before posting person details or picture on social media and don't let it to control on our happiness.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Currently
in this world, various things need to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.
“Who” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Who
have
extremely
destructive effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. I would like to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
needs in our daily
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. In this article, I will discuss my point of views.

Technology has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
completely due of this, We
usually
spend time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
. Without knowing effect of this we don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
posting a picture on Instagram, Facebook,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tiktok
and Snapchat. It has
been proven
that when we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
like on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
endorphins
are released
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
has controlled our feeling, like it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
our body's remote control.

In my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
does not have control
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
I
merely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to when I
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
contact with my family. Technology
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
us to resolve problems not to create difficulties for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
health. Through to video call I always feel close to them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are become
addicted of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
, they couldn't imagine their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
would continue without it.

If we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
to contact family and friends it will be beneficial for us.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
Possible spelling mistake found.
nowdays
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
of
physically
to meeting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the exercise.
For instance
, they are facing health diseases and their communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
disappear. Changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
need would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and will encourage them to do
physically
workout
instead
of playing games on phone.

To conclude
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
promote
physically
communicate with our local family and friend
instead
of calling or face timing them. We always
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
posting person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
or picture on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
it to control on our happiness.

IELTS essay What would you like to change in this world?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
281 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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