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What has been my most memorable vacation?

What has been my most memorable vacation? gWrWD
I never knew that just a one province in Mongolia has a beautiful nature, high mountains, dense forests and enormous lakes while having golden deserts with variety of wild animals. During the two years in quarantine, I haven’t travelled to anywhere except going to my uncle’s farm in the countryside. One morning, mom was talking on the phone saying “we are going one a vacation. ” I was curious, and asked her what she was talking. She said we are traveling. Everything is packed, ready for the travel, we went with the other friends’ families. After 2 days of road trip, visiting 3 provinces, we finally reached to our final destination. First, we visited medical lake which heals anyone who swims in it. I still remember the scenery of people playing, setting a campfire, preparing food and building their tent, the sun was setting, the lake was flowing slowly. I met with other kids and played volleyball which was one of only two possible games. Next day, we went to “Ikh dayn” mountain, located behind the “Otgontenger”, a strictly protected, preserved mountain. When seeing the dominant view of the ice mountain, I felt vast amount of spiritual energy. We got some of the energy that it was releasing. The final day, we got to Khar lake. At first sight on a mountain top, I saw a superior oasis that consists of forests, grasses and deserts in the north and a colossal (consisting transparent shore with deep water) lake. It has a mysterious enchantment that can relieve stress, heal both mental and physical pain. Relaxing at there, I felt peace.
I never knew that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
a one province in Mongolia has a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
nature, high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mountains
, dense forests and enormous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lakes
while having golden deserts with variety of wild animals.

During the two years in quarantine, I haven’t travelled to anywhere except going to my uncle’s farm in the countryside.

One morning, mom was talking on the phone saying “we are going one a vacation. ” I was curious, and asked her what she was talking. She said we are traveling.

Everything
is packed
, ready for the travel, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
went with
the other friends’ families. After 2 days of road trip, visiting 3 provinces, we
finally
reached to our final destination.

First
, we visited medical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lake
which heals anyone who swims in it. I
still
remember the scenery of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
playing, setting a campfire, preparing food and building their tent, the sun was setting, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lake
was flowing
slowly
. I met with other kids and played volleyball which was one of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
two possible games.

Next
day, we went to “
Possible spelling mistake found.
Ikh
Possible spelling mistake found.
dayn
”
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mountain
, located behind the “
Possible spelling mistake found.
Otgontenger
”, a
strictly
protected, preserved
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mountain
. When seeing the dominant view of the ice
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mountain
, I felt vast amount of spiritual energy. We
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
energy that it was releasing.

The final day, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
Khar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lake
. At
first
sight on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mountain
top, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a superior oasis that consists of forests, grasses and deserts in the north and a colossal (consisting transparent shore with deep water)
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lake
. It has a mysterious enchantment that can relieve
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, heal both mental and physical pain. Relaxing at there, I felt peace.

IELTS essay What has been my most memorable vacation?

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
269 words
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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