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What do you think, a professional athletes plays a good role models for young people?

What do you think, a professional athletes plays a good role models for young people? awQD7
Many physically active and full of energy people imagine their ideal, perfect and motivator person in the guise of athletes, besides numerous young people imitates them and try to be like them physically and spiritually. In this essay I will try to demonstrate some of my personal opinions and give reasons and examples to why I support the idea of professional sportsmen make a good role model for youth. There is a good range of reasons to believe that athletes are the best models for teenagers. Firstly, a hard work and dedication are always together with these people and their lifestyle is also a good pattern for youth who have plenty amount of leisure time or even more. Many people spend their time on watching tv, playing computer games and other other useless pastimes, while others do their obligations on their best. For example: As many people may face unfortunate people complain all the time as their health is not good or they have no luck, but on the other hand, they do not do anything better at all. Moreover some type of adults who are rich gets double size bigger income and most of them are athletes. Is there any relativity here? Yes, as a result, these people dedicate themselves to what they do as well as what they should do, so their desire is also proportional to what they do. On the other hand, many people acknowledge that athletes who have a good quality are more responsible and they could control the situation that happens around them, so with this way our young growing generation should learn many things from them. In conclusion, I should say that a hard work of athletes and their tolerance are the best pattern for young people, so maybe they may also want to be athletes.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
physically
active and full of energy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
imagine their ideal, perfect and motivator person in the guise of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
,
besides
numerous young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
imitates
them and try to be like them
physically
and
spiritually
. In this essay I will try to demonstrate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of my personal opinions and give reasons and examples to why I support the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of professional sportsmen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
role model for youth.

There is a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
range of reasons to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are the best models for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
.
Firstly
, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and dedication are always together with these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and their lifestyle is
also
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
pattern for youth who have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
amount of leisure time or even more.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend their time on watching
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
, playing computer games and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
useless pastimes, while others do their obligations on their best.
For example
: As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may face unfortunate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
complain all the time as their health is not
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
good or
they have no luck,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, they do not do anything better at all.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Moreover
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
type of adults who are rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
double size bigger income and most of them are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
. Is there any relativity here? Yes,
as a result
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
dedicate themselves to what they do
as well
as what they should do,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
their desire is
also
proportional to what they do.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
acknowledge that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
who have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
quality are more
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
responsible and
they could control the situation that happens around them,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
with this way our young growing generation should learn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things from them.

In conclusion
, I should say that a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
and their tolerance are the best pattern for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
maybe they may
also
want to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
.
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IELTS essay What do you think, a professional athletes plays a good role models for young people?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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