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What can be done to protect children from harmful advertisement ?

What can be done to protect children from harmful advertisement? jbNxp
In this increasingly competitive society, advertisement gains popularity in the television. Some citizens think that it is a negative impact on children life via inappropriate contents. I still believe that it is essential for the Government to prevent advertisements without humanistic. With contributing on a quantity of consumption of their product, the company just focus on the profit of businesses which leads to lack of awareness of the level of influences on young people including children who are likely susceptible to advertising. A typical example can be seen in the case of the I Cream advertisement in Korea which is considered an advertisement contains a sexual explicit content. This content will impact on children behavior and their perception. In order to prevent the problem, the controlling advertisement contents seem to be the top priority of parents once children watching television. Furthermore, Encouraging giving strict regulations to ban advertisement with unsuitable contents in children programs should be put into consideration
In this
increasingly
competitive society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
gains popularity
The usual collocation for technology is "on," not "in." It is better to say this: "on the television".
in the television
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
citizens
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
life via inappropriate contents. I
still
believe that it is essential for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
without humanistic.

With contributing on a quantity of consumption of their product, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
focus on the profit of businesses which leads to lack of awareness of the level of influences on young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are likely susceptible to advertising. A typical example can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the case of
Possible typo. Did you mean "the" or "I"?
the I
Cream
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
in Korea which
is considered
an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
contains a sexual explicit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
will impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
behavior and their perception. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
the problem, the controlling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
contents seem to be the top priority of parents once
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
watching television.
Furthermore
, Encouraging giving strict regulations to ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
with unsuitable contents in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
programs should
be put
into consideration
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IELTS essay What can be done to protect children from harmful advertisement?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
158 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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