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What can b e done to address the problem of obesity?

What can b e done to address the problem of obesity? Y2kEr
Obesity has become a serious health problem and increases as long as the world gets more modern. Because in the past few years we have changed a calm life style to live a busy agenda outside home with no time to take care of our body. Daily, we have long and stressed shifts, less time to sleep and a lot of familiar obligations and in order to be able to do all those things we choose ride a car instead of walk and eat fast food because is more practical than cook fresh food. In addition, when we get home, we want to relax, so we drink alcohol and more junk food with no disposition to go to the gym. The result is the obesity. And the concern is not only because of esthetics but also because fat contributes to health problems, which leads to death. Finally, we all have a full-time schedule daily, but it is very important to add to our agenda time to eat healthly and to do some exercises in order to preserve not only our life but also the quality of it.
Obesity has become a serious health problem and increases as long as the world
gets
more modern.
Because
in the past few years we have
changed
a calm life style to
live
a busy agenda outside home with no time to take care of our body.

Daily, we have long and
stressed
shifts, less time to sleep and
a lot of
familiar obligations and in order to be able to do all those things we choose ride a car
instead
of walk and eat
fast
food
because
is more practical than cook fresh food.

In addition
, when we
get
home, we want to relax,
so
we drink alcohol and more junk food with no disposition to go to the gym. The result is the obesity. And the concern is not
only
because
of
esthetics
but
also
because
fat
contributes to health problems, which leads to death.

Finally
, we all have a full-time schedule daily,
but
it is
very
important
to
add
to our agenda time to eat
healthly
and to do
some
exercises in order to preserve not
only
our life
but
also
the quality of it.
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IELTS essay What can b e done to address the problem of obesity?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
187 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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