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What are the reasons and solutions for the increasing rate of young offenders?

What are the reasons and solutions for the increasing rate of young offenders? m90bq
In this day and age, the rate of young criminals is an alarming problem and we need to have solutions for such an urgent issue. The main causes of increasing rates of young offenders are harsh life conditions and children’s lack of education, from my very personal view. Therefore, I think governmental investment on quality education and social charity activities are the two most prominent/ plausible solutions for this problem. Regarding the reasons that make the rate of young offenders increase, harsh life conditions and children’s lack of education are the two main causes. Firstly, it seems that a number of youngsters who committed crimes are from rural areas, which fail to provide their residents with employment chances in many aspects including economics and civilization. Because of that, they prefer to burglary or rob money from people instead of finding jobs to improve their life.
In this day and age, the rate of young criminals is an alarming
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
problem and
we need to have solutions for such an urgent issue. The main causes of increasing rates of young offenders are harsh life conditions and children’s lack of education, from my
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
personal view.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
governmental investment on quality education and social charity activities are the two most prominent/ plausible solutions for this problem.

Regarding the reasons that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the rate of young offenders increase, harsh life conditions and children’s lack of education are the two main causes.
Firstly
, it seems that a number of youngsters who committed crimes are from rural areas, which fail to provide their residents with employment chances in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
aspects including economics and civilization.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that, they prefer to burglary or rob money from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
instead
of finding jobs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their life.
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IELTS essay What are the reasons and solutions for the increasing rate of young offenders?

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
145 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
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    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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