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Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance, such as food and housing. To what extent do agree or disagree?

Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance, such as food and housing. 85amB
It is argued that rich nations ought to allow greater numbers of forced migrant pass their borders and give them humanitarian relief. I completely agree with this opinion because it is morally a correct thing to do and it will also help their economy in the long term. To start, refugees are fleeing their homeland because of war and famine. This means that many of these people will die or come to serious harm if they are not accepted by affluent nations, and it is therefore morally imperative that they allow them in. However, if they do not shelter and feed them they would be responsible for many deaths and terrible suffering. For example, migrants from Syria are escaping a brutal war and this is the reason why Germany and other European countries have decided to grant hundreds of thousands of them asylum. As far as host countries are concerned in terms of welcoming plenty of refugees, thousands of extra people coming into a country will also help boost the economy. This is because there will be more young workers available and they will, in turn, pay tax and also buy goods and services in that country. They may need extra financial support in the beginning, but this will be paid back many times if they stay and work. For example, millions of Vietnamese people were forced to leave their homeland in 1970s and many of them have established thriving businesses in the USA which pay billions of dollars in tax every year. In conclusion, refugees should be accepted with open arms by financially strong countries because it is the right thing to do on moral/ethical grounds and it will also benefit the host countries monetarily in the future.
It
is argued
that rich nations ought to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
greater numbers of forced migrant pass their borders and give them humanitarian relief. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this opinion
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
morally
a correct thing to do and it will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their economy in the long term.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
, refugees are fleeing their homeland
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of war and famine.

This means that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to serious harm if they are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
by affluent nations, and it is
therefore
morally
imperative that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them in.
However
, if they do not shelter and feed them they would be responsible for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
deaths and terrible suffering.
For example
, migrants from Syria are escaping a brutal war and this is the reason why Germany and other European
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
have decided to grant hundreds of thousands of them asylum.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
far as host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
are concerned
in terms of welcoming
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
of


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
refugees
, thousands of extra
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
coming into a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
boost the economy. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
there will be more young workers
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
available and
they will, in turn, pay tax and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and services in that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. They may need extra financial support in the beginning,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
this will
be paid
back
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times if they stay and work.
For example
, millions of Vietnamese
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were forced
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their homeland
The article is probably missing here: "in the 1970s".
in 1970s
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them have established thriving businesses in the USA which pay billions of dollars in tax every year.

In conclusion
, refugees should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
with open arms by
financially
strong

countries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is the right thing to do on moral/ethical grounds and it will

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
also
benefit the host
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
monetarily
in the future.
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IELTS essay Wealthy countries should accept more refugees and provide them with basic assistance, such as food and housing.

Essay
  American English
7 paragraphs
289 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
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