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Wealth does not necessarily guarantee happiness. To what extent do you agree or disagree to this statement?

Wealth does not necessarily guarantee happiness. to this statement? gwOD
Happiness is a state of mind and the key factor for everyone’s stable life, but different people understand it in different ways. Some people opine that economic success is not an essential element to happiness, while I agree, to some extent, with this idea. On the one hand, to achieve personal happiness, fortune plays a radical role, yet its importance should not be exaggerated. In other words, sufficient money is needed for most poor people to meet their basic needs. For instance, if ones have adequate money, not necessary how they earned, they will highly likely want to buy a comfortable house, to have a private car and fashionable clothes, which may be all indispensable for happy life. Hence, in order to attain blissful life, wealth can ensure joy. On the other hand, it is true that having enough fortune alone can not guarantee happiness. There is to say, one have ocean of money but if there is no strong relation amidst family members, one may never be happy. For example, who can imagine a millionaire suffering from cancer to be happy? , although he can purchase luxurious medical equipments. Furthermore, too much wealth can lead to stressful life instead of happy life, if children go astray by the virtue of money. Thus, a person who has more or less money, but has a cordial relationship with children and family can be very happy. In conclusion, although fortune is crucial in everyone’s life to accomplish a blissful life, I reiterate that those who get along with families are more likely to be happy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is a state of mind and the key factor for everyone’s stable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
understand it in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that economic success is not an essential element to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, while I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
, to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.

On the one hand, to achieve personal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, fortune plays a radical role,
yet
its importance should not
be exaggerated
.
In other words
, sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is needed
for most poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their basic needs.
For instance
, if ones have adequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, not necessary how they earned, they will
highly
likely want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a comfortable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, to have a private car and fashionable clothes, which may be all indispensable for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Hence
, in order to attain blissful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, wealth can ensure joy.

On the other hand
, it is true that having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
fortune alone can not guarantee
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. There is to say, one have ocean of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
if there is no strong relation amidst family members, one may never be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
For example
, who can imagine a millionaire suffering from cancer to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
?
Loose punctuation mark.
,
although he can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
luxurious medical equipments.
Furthermore
, too much wealth can lead to stressful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, if children go astray by the virtue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Thus
, a person who has more or less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
has a cordial relationship with children and family can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
happy.

In conclusion
, although fortune is crucial in everyone’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to accomplish a blissful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, I reiterate that those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
along with families are more likely to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
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IELTS essay Wealth does not necessarily guarantee happiness. to this statement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
263 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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