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Television Sporting shows such as the Olympics motivate the youth who do not like to exercise much. Do you agree or disagree? v.5

Television Sporting shows such as the Olympics motivate the youth who do not like to exercise much. v. 5 rAQJ
One of the most conspicuous trends today world is a colossal upsurge in the number of people believing that participating the completion. There is a widespread worry that this will only lead to a myriad of concern's one's life. However, I do not entirely accept this and I will explain why in this essay. There are number of argument in favour of my stance. The most preponderant one is that Television Sporting shows can not only contribute to enhancing the knowledge level but also lead to numerous other benefits in various other fields. Thanks to wide range of advantages it offers, not only can one benefits more when it comes to being effective, but they can also enhance the productivity and quality of their lives, with much ease, efficacy and convivence. Needless to say, all these merits stand one in good stead, as far as augmenting their chances of prosperity and excellence is concerned. Another pivotal aspect of the aforementioned proposition is that it is only likely to help one thrive and excel in varied areas. Besides, only when one follows such a system, can they broaden their horizons, thus learning such essential attributes as responsibility, dedication and perseverance. Hence, it is apparent why many are in favour of Television Sporting shows. In view of the arguments outlined above, one can conclude that the benefits of Television Sporting show are indeed too great to ignore.
One of the most conspicuous trends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
world is a colossal upsurge in the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believing that participating the completion. There is a widespread worry that this will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
lead to a myriad of concern's one's life.
However
, I do not
entirely
accept this and I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why in this essay. There are number of argument in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of my stance. The most preponderant one is that Television Sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
can not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
contribute to enhancing the knowledge level
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
lead to numerous other benefits in various other fields. Thanks to wide range of advantages it offers, not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
can one benefits more when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to being effective,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can
also
enhance the productivity and quality of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, with much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ease
, efficacy and
Possible spelling mistake found.
convivence
. Needless to say, all these merits stand one in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
stead, as far as augmenting their chances of prosperity and excellence
is concerned
. Another pivotal aspect of the aforementioned proposition is that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
one thrive and excel in varied areas.
Besides
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
only
when one follows such a system, can they broaden their horizons,
thus
learning such essential attributes as responsibility, dedication and perseverance.
Hence
, it is apparent why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
are in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of Television Sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
. In view of the arguments outlined above, one can conclude that the benefits of Television Sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
are
indeed
too great to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
.
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IELTS essay Television Sporting shows such as the Olympics motivate the youth who do not like to exercise much. v. 5

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
235 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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