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We should require young children aged from 5 to 10 to learn music and art in addition to math, science, history and language.

We should require young children aged from 5 to 10 to learn music and art in addition to math, science, history and language. yXL2J
It is widely accepted that music and art are the most beautiful language in the world. From my perspective, art assists to shape a mild characteristic, contributes to the development of brain and enriches children's lives. As a result, children should be encouraged to learn music and art. My arguments for this point are listed as follows. First of all, according to the scientific research, evidence is accumulating that music and art play decisive part in determining a person's character. In New York, about 100 children at the age of 5 volunteered to enter this research. Firstly scientists p. . .
It is
widely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
that music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
are the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
language in the world. From my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
assists to shape a mild characteristic, contributes to the development of brain and enriches children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
As a result
, children should
be encouraged
to learn music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
. My arguments for this point
are listed
as follows.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, according to the scientific research, evidence is accumulating that music and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
play decisive part in determining a person's character. In New York, about 100 children at the age of 5 volunteered to enter this research.
Firstly
scientists p.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.

IELTS essay We should require young children aged from 5 to 10 to learn music and art in addition to math, science, history and language.

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
101 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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