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We should ban all the advertisements aimed at children due to some negative effects. Agree or disagree?

We should ban all the advertisements aimed at children due to some negative effects. Agree or disagree? Kw331
Nowadays, with the expansion of communication, a large amount of advertisements, specially for children. It is suggested that advertisements which target at children should be prohibited because of their negative effects. In my opinion, although advertisements can trigger negative influences, I believe it should not be banned. First of all, commercials aimed at children make relationship between parents and children become worse. Children are attracted easily by visual, colors, concept of advertising and more likely to itimate. Notion of some advertisements is violent and children will tend to become cruelty. Many companies use their maketing strategies to promote about their fast food or junk food to children with healthy visualization. Children may be obese if they overeat these food. However, advertisements target at children give parents many choices when they have to something for their children. As an illustration this, if they want to buy food or toys, they can refer some commercial products and consider to purchase. In addition, In conclusion, although advertisement which target at children have many negative effects such as impact health or temperament of children, we should not forbid it completely
Nowadays, with the expansion of communication, a large amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
,
specially
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. It
is suggested
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
which target at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be prohibited
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects. In my opinion, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
can trigger
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
influences, I believe it should not
be banned
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, commercials aimed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
relationship between parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become worse.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are attracted
easily
by visual, colors, concept of advertising and more likely to
Possible spelling mistake found.
itimate
. Notion of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
is violent and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will tend to become cruelty.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
Possible spelling mistake found.
maketing
strategies to promote about their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food or junk food to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with healthy visualization.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
may be obese if they overeat
Did you mean "this food" or "these foods"?
these food
.

However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisements
target at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
give parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
choices when they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
something for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. As an illustration this, if they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
food or toys, they can refer
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
commercial products and consider to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
.
In addition
,

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advertisement
which target at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects such as impact health or temperament of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, we should not forbid it completely
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IELTS essay We should ban all the advertisements aimed at children due to some negative effects. Agree or disagree?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
185 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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