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We have seen rapid development bring many positive and negative changes to Mongolia. What do you think is one way for Mongolia to develop? What should be the citizens' shared value and end goal to contribute to Mongolia's development?

We have seen rapid development bring many positive and negative changes to Mongolia. What do you think is one way for Mongolia to develop? What should be the citizens' shared value and end goal to contribute to Mongolia's development? ABX7x
Events in all kinds of fields influenced Mongolia both positively and negatively. In my opinion, younger generation is the key to the steady growth of the country, and the most effective method is to raise the children of Mongolia in a way they will be determined, knowledgeable, and full of love for the nation. Therefore, citizens’ common value and final object should be directed towards achieving this. Each of love, knowledge, and determination is indispensable for the flourish of Mongolia. For example, if there is no love for the country among the young, then no matter how much one is intelligent and confident, the individual would not be value to his or her homeland. The combination of patriotism and knowledge may produce excellent individual, but without enough determination to contribute to the nation, it would be equally useless. Similarly, the integration of love and confidence makes fabulous individuals yearning to contribute. However, without the necessary knowledge and experience, the individual might harm the nation instead of assisting. On the other hand, if all three characteristics are converged into one person, the person will be an extraordinary leader and proud Mongolian with deep knowledge. Consequently, in order to expect a bright future and make every change our advantage, we citizens of Mongolia must take action. Each person living in Mongolia can contribute to this process tremendously as long as they really want. Youngsters, for instance, should try earnestly to acquire knowledge that will be useful for the country, whereas parents must teach children how to love the country and how to be assertive with their utmost effort. Meanwhile, grandparents must attentively heed the young in case the adolescents lost their traditional merit. To conclude, everybody ought to do their best to bring up patriotic, knowledgeable, and confident generation because the country will inevitably be handed to them one day. In the end, we should always remember big strides originate from small actions.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Events
in all kinds of fields influenced Mongolia both
positively
and
negatively
. In my opinion, younger generation is the key to the steady growth of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, and the most effective method is to raise the children of Mongolia in a way they will
be determined
, knowledgeable, and full of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
for the nation.
Therefore
, citizens’ common value and final object should
be directed
towards achieving this.

Each of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
, and determination is indispensable for the flourish of Mongolia.
For example
, if there is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
among the young, then no matter how much one is intelligent and confident, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
would not be value to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
homeland. The combination of patriotism and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
may produce excellent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
determination to contribute to the nation, it would be
equally
useless.
Similarly
, the integration of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
and confidence
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
fabulous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
yearning to contribute.
However
, without the necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
and experience, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
might harm the nation
instead
of assisting.
On the other hand
, if all three characteristics
are converged
into one person, the person will be an extraordinary leader and proud Mongolian with deep knowledge.

Consequently
, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
a bright future and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
every
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
our advantage,
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'we'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
we citizens
of Mongolia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
take action. Each person living in Mongolia can contribute to this process
tremendously
as long as they
really
want. Youngsters,
for instance
, should try
earnestly
to acquire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
that will be useful for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, whereas parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
teach children how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
love
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
and how to be assertive with their utmost effort. Meanwhile, grandparents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
attentively
heed the young in case the adolescents lost their traditional merit.

To conclude
, everybody ought to do their best to bring up patriotic, knowledgeable, and confident generation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will
inevitably
be handed
to them one day. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
, we should always remember
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
strides originate from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
actions.
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IELTS essay We have seen rapid development bring many positive and negative changes to Mongolia. What do you think is one way for Mongolia to develop? What should be the citizens' shared value and end goal to contribute to Mongolia's development?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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