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Violence in society increases when more violence is shown on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Violence in society increases when more violence is shown on television. pg7a
In recent years, the level of violence in societies has been gradually upsurging. While considering the causes of this trend, some people claims that the violence which is promoted by mass media has direct adverse effects on mankind. To large extent, I agrees with this ideology and the following essay will elaborate my view point. To embark with, the underlying reasons attributes to this trend. First and foremost, the television alter the people’s attitude towards crimes and criminals completely by presenting fun and exciting life of offenders. To illustrate, in a trending web series on Netflix named “Money Heist” in which the robber robs a bank; have a huge amount of financial resources and enjoy rest of the life on icelands. Consequently, the watchers, specifically teenagers, can potentially thinks that by committing an offence it is possible to have same outstanding lifestyle and they start thinking about breaking laws. In addition to this, it is also claimed that televisions have psychological effects on the minds of young generation. Undeniably, people mostly prefer to watch shows and movies based on violence and crime, in which producers demonstrate the power of money. As an affluent one can buy everything even law also. This not only teach the misuse of money, but also promotes the illegal ways to earn it. This make teenagers money minded and force them to think negative use of money. As a result, they try to find easy way to earn without considering the involvement of violence in it. In conclusion, without any doubt, I must say tv programs play crucial role in soaring the rate of crime and violence. I strongly believe, government should initiate stringent rubrics to flatten the cure of this problem.
In recent years, the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in societies has been
gradually
upsurging. While considering the causes of this trend,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
claims
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
which
is promoted
by mass media has direct adverse effects on mankind. To large extent, I
The pronoun 'I' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "agree"
agrees
with this ideology and the following essay will elaborate my view point.

To embark with, the underlying reasons attributes to this trend.
First
and foremost, the television alter the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s attitude towards crimes and criminals completely by presenting fun and exciting life of offenders. To illustrate, in a trending web series on Netflix named
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
“Money
Heist” in which the robber robs a bank; have a huge amount of financial resources and enjoy rest of the life on
Possible spelling mistake found.
icelands
.
Consequently
, the watchers,
specifically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, can
potentially
The verb 'can' requires the base form of the verb: "think"
thinks
that by committing an
Possible spelling mistake. 'offence' is British English.
offence
it is possible to have same outstanding
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lifestyle and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
thinking about breaking laws.

In addition
to this, it is
also
claimed that televisions have psychological effects on the minds of young generation.
Undeniably
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
mostly
prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and movies based on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
and crime, in which producers demonstrate the power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
an affluent one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
everything even law
also
. This not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
teach the misuse of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
promotes the illegal ways to earn it. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
minded and force them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
As a result
, they try to find easy way to earn without considering the involvement of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in it.

In conclusion
, without any doubt, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
say
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
programs play crucial role in soaring the rate of crime and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
. I
strongly
believe,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should initiate stringent rubrics to flatten the cure of this problem.
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IELTS essay Violence in society increases when more violence is shown on television.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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