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Violence among young people has increased drastically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with the growth in the violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. Do you agree or disagree?

Violence among young people has increased drastically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with the growth in the violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. AWR1
Violence among young people is seen over the past 50 years. And violent media have been on the rise only recently because the use of social media is not long ago. Thus, violent media is not the main cause of violence among young people nowadays. Despite both of these subjects have similarities, they are still very dissimilar from each other. As we may all know, the internet was only invented in 1983, 38 years ago. Now, how can the media be the cause of problems experienced over the past 50 years when the internet is not even around at that time? Also, even before, there are a lot of rebel teenagers who promote violence. Hence, we cannot say violent media is the problem here. Additionally, violence in media is in contrast from violence physically. Those who use violence physically can show how they feel about themselves, without backing out. On the other hand, those people who use violence through media can only hide if something didn’t go as they planned it. So, violent media and actual violence are different from each other.
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Violence
among young
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
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seen
over the past 50 years. And
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violent
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media
have been on the rise
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only
recently
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because
the
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use
of social
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media
is not long ago.
Thus
,
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violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
is not the main cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
among young
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people
nowadays. Despite both of these subjects have similarities, they are
still
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very
dissimilar from each other.

As we may all know, the internet was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
invented in 1983, 38 years ago.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Now
, how can the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
be the cause of problems experienced over the past 50 years when the internet is not even around at that time?
Also
, even
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before
, there are
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a lot of
rebel
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teenagers
who promote
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violence
.
Hence
, we cannot say
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violent
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media
is the problem here.

Additionally
,
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violence
in
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media
is
in contrast
from
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violence
physically
. Those who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
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violence
physically
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
how they feel about themselves, without backing out.
On the other hand
, those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hide
if something didn’t go as they planned it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
and actual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
from each other.

IELTS essay Violence among young people has increased drastically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with the growth in the violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people.

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
182 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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