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violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

For the last 50 years, the violence among young people has grown sharply with the violent media trend that sequenced statement about connection between these two aspects: Violence among new generation’s members caused by tendency of violence in cyber space. I am agree that tendency of violence in media is one of the main reasons of aggressive behavior, because of strong influence of internet and possibility of being who you want that give us social networks. Authority of internet formed very fast, and strongly took root to our lives. I think that internet had given a life for many tendencies, and some of them had good impact and others either had. Nevertheless, the internet give us the biggest part of information in our life and when people see how other popular people doing something, they are trying to repeat them like there are need to be a swarm. Scientists call that herd instinct when people need to be the part of something big, where they can feel comfortability. In this situation, the cyber space is the main platform where people can find that swarms and some of them could be very aggressive in the goals of protection. From it can be formed conclusion that young people are very violent. Although, If you will have go further you will find that some of people uses internet in the goals of cyber bullying or to aggressively discuss with you in comments with the secret desire to offend or to humiliate your personality ( maybe I said too similar things ~). In fact, social networks and other forums give you a possibility to be whom you want without any hate from the side, but it does not so. For instance, if you will go to any public and go to the comments below you will bump into many cyberbullying acts that can have a lot of bad impact on the people. Needless to say, that accidents of suicide by the reason of cyberbullying is not rarity. I am sure that biggest part of that people is the kind of people that want to confirm confidence in (or of(? )) themselves and only the least part of them can argue correctly their opinion without conflicts. People self-assert using cyberbullying, and when they want to argue in real life, sometimes, they doing this in not peaceful way. But also, there can be just very violent people.
For the last 50 years, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
among young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If ‘people’ is plural here, don’t use the third-person singular verb.
has
grown
sharply
with the violent media trend that sequenced statement about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
these two aspects:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Violence
among new generation’s members caused by tendency of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in
The word “cyberspace” is spelled as one.
cyber space
. I am
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that tendency of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violence
in media is one of the main reasons of aggressive behavior,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of strong influence of internet and possibility of being who you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
that give us social networks.

Authority of internet formed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
, and
strongly
took root to our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that internet had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a life for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
tendencies, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
impact
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
either had.
Nevertheless
, the internet give us the biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of information in our life and when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
how other popular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
doing something, they are trying to repeat them like there
are need
to be a swarm. Scientists call that herd instinct when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to be the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
, where they can feel
Possible spelling mistake found.
comfortability
. In this situation, the
The word “cyberspace” is spelled as one.
cyber space
is the main platform where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can find that swarms and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them could be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
aggressive in the goals of protection. From it can
be formed
conclusion that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
violent.

Although, If you will have
Use past participle here: “gone”.
go
further
you will find that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
internet in the goals of
The word “cyberbullying” is spelled as one.
cyber bullying
or to
aggressively
discuss with you in comments with the secret desire to offend or to humiliate your personality
Don’t put a space after the opening parenthesis.
(
maybe I said too similar things ~). In fact, social networks and other forums give you a possibility to be whom you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
without any hate from the side,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it does not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
For instance
, if you will go to any public and go to the comments below you will bump into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
cyberbullying acts that can have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Needless to say, that accidents of suicide by the reason of cyberbullying is not rarity. I am sure that biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is the kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to confirm confidence in (or of(?
Don’t put a space before the closing parenthesis.
)
) themselves and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
of them can argue
correctly
their opinion without conflicts.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
self-assert using cyberbullying, and when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
want
to argue in real life,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
,
A verb seems to be missing. Did you mean “they’re doing”, “they are doing”, or “they were doing”?
they doing
this in not peaceful way.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
also
, there can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
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IELTS essay violence among young people has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. This rise moves in tandem with a growth in violent media. Thus, the conclusion can be drawn that violent media is the main cause of violence among young people.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
401 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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