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Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?

It is often argued that physical activities are necessary to increase the immunity to maintain a healthy life. Some people think that a number of individuals do not have sufficient time for workout during the day time and it may seem to lead the low level of health as a consequence [, which results in one’s health deteriorating]. In this essay, I shall explain why people do not take time to exercise and suggest solutions to be done. First of all, people these days are so busy working because a group of people have hectic lifestyles. For example, they must earn money to pay their monthly expenses such as utility bills or rent, which means they have to spend an abundance of time to work and some may have ambitions to achieve such as promotion. This is because they cannot afford to go to a gym for workout after work. Furthermore, when they are off from work, they still feel exhausted and do not have enough energy left to move body. Eventually, that most people become a couch potato while doing preferring sedentary activities at home such as playing video games or watching TV. Thus, these circumstances may lead them not only to suffer from diseases such as diabetes, but also to decrease the level of health due to lack of exercise. On the other hand, there are some methods when it comes to solving this phenomenon. Employers of companies should not give additional work at the end of the day or on the weekends, which leads employees to stay late at work and have less time to exercise. For instance, the manager should give like 4-day shifts for their employees, then the employees can ensure more free time to improve their lifestyle better and healthier. Moreover, as far as people's health is concerned, firms can provide a gym membership in the office building so that workers can easily access a place to enhance their health even during a lunch break. Therefore, when these sorts of solutions are implemented, many individuals have more opportunities to exercise and will have a healthier lifestyle. In conclusion, some believe that working people have less workout and body issues from their busy lives. However, some resolutions would help them motivate living enjoy much better quality of life.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that physical activities are necessary to increase the immunity to maintain a healthy life.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that a number of individuals do not have sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for workout during the day
Use a comma before ‘and’ if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
it may seem to lead the low level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
as a consequence [, which results in one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
deteriorating]. In this essay, I shall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not take
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to exercise and suggest solutions to
be done
.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
these days are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have hectic lifestyles.
For example
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
earn money to pay their monthly expenses such as utility bills or rent, which means they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend an abundance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may have ambitions to achieve such as promotion. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they cannot afford to go to a gym for workout after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
Furthermore
, when they are off from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they
still
feel exhausted and do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
energy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
body.
Eventually
, that most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
become a couch potato while doing preferring sedentary activities at home such as playing video games or watching TV.
Thus
, these circumstances may lead them not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to suffer from diseases such as diabetes,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to decrease the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
due to lack of exercise.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
methods when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to solving this phenomenon. Employers of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should not give additional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day or on the weekends, which leads employees to stay late at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and have less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to exercise.
For instance
, the manager should give like 4-day shifts for their employees, then the employees can ensure more free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their lifestyle better and healthier.
Moreover
, as far as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is concerned
, firms can provide a gym membership in the office building
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that workers can
easily
access a place to enhance their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
even during a lunch break.
Therefore
, when these sorts of solutions
are implemented
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
individuals have more opportunities to exercise and will have a healthier lifestyle.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believe that working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have less workout and body issues from their busy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
resolutions would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them motivate living enjoy much better quality of life.
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IELTS essay Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working day or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
383 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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