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Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.3

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 3
It is a universally acceptable idea that only individuals who are naturally gifted in the path of art and sport can achieve excellence, although some are of the opinion that a child can be tutored to excel in this field. In my opinion, talent has a role to play in becoming a great artist, nevertheless factors such as discipline, interest, and practice can make a non talented child achieve greater heights. It's a fact that inborn gift has a role to play in climbing the ladder of excellence, particularly in areas of sports. However, innate ability without proper guidance, constant practice and correction cannot guarantee success, as such, all factors should be put into consideration in an outstanding performance. For instance, my cousin had a natural capability to play the guitar since age 4, he took lessons and underwent a series of training prior to a national competition he recently won in Ghana. Thus, in order to climb the ladder of success, a collaboration of talent and hard work must be considered. On the other hand, an adolescent with no natural incline, who is properly learnt in music or games has a very high chance at becoming great. Though, there must be a high threshold of interest and love in order to withstand any challenge that may arise. For example, my little niece who loves ballet, spends a lot of time practicing and she's great at it, as she recently won the gold prize for a competition held two weeks ago. In conclusion, despite the fact that talent is of utmost importance, I believe that it cannot solely guarantee excellent results as compared to a non gifted child who is likely to be great due to the hard work invested in their interests.
It is a
universally
acceptable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are
naturally
gifted in the path of art and sport can achieve excellence, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
are of the opinion that a child can
be tutored
to excel in this field.

In my opinion, talent has a role to play in becoming a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
artist,
nevertheless
factors such as discipline, interest, and practice can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non talented
child achieve greater heights.

It's a fact that inborn gift has a role to play in climbing the ladder of excellence,
particularly
in areas of sports.
However
, innate ability without proper guidance, constant practice and correction cannot guarantee success, as such, all factors should
be put
into consideration in an outstanding performance.
For instance
, my cousin had a natural capability to play the guitar since age 4, he took lessons and underwent a series of training prior to a national competition he recently won in Ghana.
Thus
, in order to climb the ladder of success, a collaboration of talent and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be considered
.

On the other hand
, an adolescent with no natural incline,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is
properly
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
in music or games has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high chance at becoming
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
. Though, there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be a high threshold of interest and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
in order to withstand any challenge that may arise.
For example
, my
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
niece
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loves
ballet, spends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
time
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
practicing and
she's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
at it, as she recently won the gold prize for a competition held two weeks ago.

In conclusion
, despite the fact that talent is of utmost importance, I believe that it cannot
solely
guarantee excellent results as compared to a
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
non gifted
child
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
is likely to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
great
due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work invested in their interests.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on young children. v. 3

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
293 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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