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Unique retirement age or different retirement ages according to role

Unique retirement age or different retirement ages according to role eRRaB
Some people believe that is not fair having an one-size-fits-all retirement age. According to these people, some kinds of workers should retire in an earlier age and be able to recieve a pension. I totally agree with this point of view and I reckon that some workers such as police men and firefighters should have an earlier retirement age. There are several retirement systems across the world. In some countries, every worker retires at the same age. In this kind of model, it doesn't matter if the worker is a teacher, a salles person or a truck driver: the retirement age will be always the same. On one hand it makes things simplier, which allows more people to understand and claim for their rights. On the other hand, although it seems to benefit people, it can create a extremely unfair system. As far as I am concerned, there should be different retirement ages for some occupations, especially the risky ones. These kinds of professions put their workers in critical situations. For instance, a police man has a higher chance to die during the work than a teacher or a salles person. The same happens with firefighters and security men also. For this reason, these workers should have the right to retire earlier and enjoy their lives in a safier routine. Furthermore, this is a gratitude gesture that the society should do in order to recognize these professionals for the valuable service they deliver to the citizens. To conclude, I reckon certain workers should have the right to retire before others, in earlier ages. These professionals include police men, security men and firefighters, for instance. It would be a way to recognize these workers for the risky work they do in order to keep people safe.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe
that is
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
having
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
one-size-fits-all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. According to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
and be able to
Possible spelling mistake found.
recieve
a pension. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view and I reckon that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
such as police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and firefighters should have an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age.

There are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
systems across the world. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retires
at the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. In this kind of model, it doesn't matter if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
worker
is a teacher, a
Possible spelling mistake found.
salles
person or a truck driver: the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
will be always the same. On one hand it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
things
Possible spelling mistake found.
simplier
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to understand and claim for their rights.
On the other hand
, although it seems to benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, it can create
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
extremely
unfair system.

As far as I
am concerned
, there should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
occupations,
especially
the risky ones. These kinds of professions put their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
in critical situations.
For instance
, a police
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
has a higher chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
during the work than a teacher or a
Possible spelling mistake found.
salles
person. The same happens with firefighters and security
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
also
.
For this reason
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should have the right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earlier
and enjoy their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
in a
Possible spelling mistake found.
safier
routine.
Furthermore
, this is a gratitude gesture that the society should do in order to recognize these professionals for the valuable service they deliver to the citizens.

To conclude
, I reckon certain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
should have the right to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retire
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
others, in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
earlier
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
. These professionals include police
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, security
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and firefighters,
for instance
. It would be a way to recognize these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
for the risky work they do in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
safe.
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IELTS essay Unique retirement age or different retirement ages according to role

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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