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Traditional games are more useful than modern games in developing children’s skills. Do you agree or disagree?

Traditional games are more useful than modern games in developing children’s skills. 56BpA
The issue of children ways of relaxation has been brought into focus recently. Whether traditional games are more useful than modern games has been caused a heated debate. From my perspective, traditional games benefit children in both cognitive skills and physical health. One reason is that traditional games are viable to improve children's cognitive skills of team-working and creativity. This is because traditional games need to work together with teammates, such as soccer-playing, kite-flying and hide-and-seek. As these games require children to cooperate with each other and open up their imaginations to make the most of their conditions so as to beat the opponents. Consequently, children's awareness of the importance of team-working and creativity can be cultivated during the process. Another reason to consider is that traditional games help children to improve their physical health. Since most of the traditional games require kids a lot of physical activities. For example, soccer needs kids to run as much as they can, and sometimes to jump as much as they can. During the process of traditional games enable children to get rid of the sedentary lifestyle, thereby reducing the risk of obesity and near-sighted. It is true that children who play traditional games are likely to lose interest, as they might not including vivid pictures and interesting characters in modern games. However, this problem can be avoided by educating children to enhance their patience and perseverance, which are also essential to the children's psychological development. In conclusion, children who play traditional games are beneficial to them psychologically and physically. Therefore, I firmly confirm that traditional games are more practical in developing children's skills.
The issue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
ways of relaxation has
been brought
into focus recently.
“Whether” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are more useful than modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has
been caused
a heated debate. From my perspective,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in both cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and physical health.

One reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are viable to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
cognitive
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
of team-working and creativity. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
need to work together with teammates, such as soccer-playing, kite-flying and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hide
-and-seek. As these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to cooperate with each other and open up their imaginations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most of their conditions
'So as to' expresses purpose and is used in formal texts. Consider using "to"
so as to
beat the opponents.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
awareness of the importance of team-working and creativity can
be cultivated
during the process.

Another reason to consider is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their physical health.
“Since” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Since
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
require kids
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
physical activities.
For example
, soccer needs kids to run as much as they can, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
to jump as much as they can. During the process of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
rid of the sedentary lifestyle, thereby reducing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of obesity and near-sighted.

It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are likely to lose interest, as they might not
The verb 'might' requires the base form of the verb: "include"
including
vivid pictures and interesting characters in modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
However
, this problem can
be avoided
by educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to enhance their patience and perseverance, which are
also
essential to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
psychological development.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who play
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are beneficial to them
psychologically
and
physically
.
Therefore
, I
firmly
confirm that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are more practical in developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
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IELTS essay Traditional games are more useful than modern games in developing children’s skills.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
271 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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