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tpo05- agree or disagree: it is important to study math or science than it is to study art or literature v.1

tpo05- agree or disagree: it is important to study math or science than it is to study art or literature v. 1
Many agree that youngsters have to decide on their future careers accordingly to their prefered activities. Contrarily, others complain students should be banned from this and only have the opportunity to choose universities which offer science and technology related subjects. This essay will address both standpoints and explain why it is better to respond to labour market trends. On the one hand, some people feel that joy is the key to decide what you want to be when one grows up. In addition, choosing what one likes can make your future life less frustrated. For instance, adolescents who like dancing or listening music, decide on these careers because they are fond of doing those activities all the time and would like to earn money for that. Therefore, it is thought that a fulfilling future depends on the right attitude when choosing the subjects to study as one's happiness comes with that. On the other hand, many others consider university election should be in response to the real demand in the working market. For example, computer engineers or technicians are and will be needed in the near future. Moreover, soon computers will replace man made jobs and the necessity of more specialists on this technology will greatly increase. Henceforth, these jobs will offer greatest salaries. Oppositely, if everyone studies what they want there will not be anyone to cover these positions. In conclusion, as previously stated, some may think the election of future careers should be in regards to one preferences. On the contrary, In my opinion, it is better to respond to the worlds needs and earn a high salary instead of choosing your job only for pleasure and not be able to pay the rent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that youngsters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
decide on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
careers
accordingly
to their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "preferred", the past tense form of the verb 'prefer'?
prefered
activities.
Contrarily
, others complain students should
be banned
from this and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
have the opportunity to choose universities which offer science and technology related subjects. This essay will address both standpoints and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why it is better to respond to
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
market trends.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that joy is the key to decide what you want to be when one grows up.
In addition
, choosing what one likes can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
your
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
life less frustrated.
For instance
, adolescents who like dancing or listening music, decide on these careers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are fond of doing those activities all the time and would like to earn money for that.
Therefore
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that a fulfilling
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
depends on the right attitude when choosing the subjects to study as one's happiness
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with that.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others consider university election should be in response to the real demand in the working market.
For example
, computer engineers or technicians are and will
be needed
in the near
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
computers will replace
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
made jobs and the necessity of more specialists on this technology will
greatly
increase. Henceforth, these jobs will offer
A determiner is probably missing here: "the greatest".
greatest
salaries.
Oppositely
, if everyone studies what they want there will not be anyone to cover these positions.

In conclusion
, as previously stated,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the election of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
future
careers should be
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
in regards to
Don't use the number 'one' with plural words. Did you mean "one preference", "a preference", or simply "preferences"?
one preferences
.
On the contrary
, In my opinion, it is better to respond to the worlds needs and earn a high salary
instead
of choosing your job
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
for pleasure and not be able to pay the rent.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay tpo05- agree or disagree: it is important to study math or science than it is to study art or literature v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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