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TPO 17 - Question 2The man expresses his opinion about the changes described in this article. Briefly summarize the change. Then state his opinion of the change and explain the reasons he gives for holding that opinion. v.1

TPO 17 - Question 2The man expresses his opinion about the changes described in this article. Briefly summarize the change. Then state his opinion of the change and explain the reasons he gives for holding that opinion. v. 1
There is a belief in some people that the ideal path to make a worry free community is to make sure that the wealthiest and neediest members should not have a big gap. I personally disagree with the point of view because first of all happiness is eternal and secondly, it is an impossible task to achieve a minimal distance between the rich and poor. There is a huge amount of people in this world are currently having anxiety, depression and stress about life in the past and future. People become anxious when they think too much about their future and they become depressed when they contemplate a lot about their past. Moreover, money and materialistic possessions very rarely play a role in the mental illness state. For example, we could talk about all major psychologists research on the harmony of mental health and those studies show very little sign of wealth for people's unhappiness. Instead, it shows that people are unhappy because of their bad relationship with their family member or high expectation about life. Therefore, we could say that if someone can feel peace in their mind with whatever they have, they can be happy. Making an equity nation in money with the rich and needy will probably the most unrealistic and impossible task to achieve. Reducing unemployment will not bring abundance in life, it will only create a living for some people. On the other hand, the wealthy people will innovate something new and they will become richer and richer. For instance, most the pro athlete players become very rich in their professional life, but after their retirement they become bankrupt and they blame the system and society for their fall. Thus, poverty was from the beginning of humans and will continue because no society or government will be able to remove it. A small difference between rich and poor will not create a happier nation because no authorities can reduce the gap and it can be achieved if all the citizens are metally at peace. I would like to suggest that all schools, colleges and universities and other organizations should give special care to every individual in their inner harmony which may create a happier society.
There is a belief in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that the ideal path to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a worry free community is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that the wealthiest and neediest members should not have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
gap. I
personally
disagree with the point of view
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
first of all
happiness is eternal and
secondly
, it is an impossible task to achieve a minimal distance between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and poor.

There is a huge amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in this world are
currently
having anxiety, depression and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in the past and future.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
anxious when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
too much about their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
future and
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
depressed when they contemplate a lot about their past.
Moreover
, money and materialistic possessions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
rarely play a role in the mental illness state.
For example
, we could talk about all major psychologists research on the harmony of mental health and those studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
of wealth for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's unhappiness.
Instead
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are unhappy
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
relationship with their family member or high expectation about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Therefore
, we could say that if someone can feel peace in their mind with whatever they have, they can be happy.

Making an equity nation in money with the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and needy will
probably
the most unrealistic and impossible task to achieve. Reducing unemployment will not bring abundance in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
create a living for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
On the other hand
, the wealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will innovate something
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
new and
they will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
richer and richer.
For instance
, most the pro athlete players
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
in their professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after their retirement they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
bankrupt and
they blame the system and society for their fall.
Thus
, poverty was from the beginning of humans and will continue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
no society or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
will be able to remove it.

A
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
difference between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rich
and poor will not create a happier nation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
no authorities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the gap and it can
be achieved
if all the citizens are
Possible spelling mistake found.
metally
at peace. I would like to suggest that all schools, colleges and universities and other organizations should give special care to every individual in their inner harmony which may create a happier society.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay TPO 17 - Question 2The man expresses his opinion about the changes described in this article. Briefly summarize the change. Then state his opinion of the change and explain the reasons he gives for holding that opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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