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Topic: Please state the advantages of useing mobile phones

Topic: Please state the advantages of useing mobile phones KGq21

There are numerous benefits of smartphones. First of all, the smartphone helps us communicate. We can talk, chat and get in touch with family, friends. Another merit of using smartphones is gain knowledge. By connecting Internet, we can read books, magazines and learn English. Moreover, smartphones are used for entertainment. Everybody can play games, watch TV and read books. Therefore, it make us live better and more relax. In conclusion, smartphones are one of the most important for us.

There are numerous benefits of smartphones. This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".First
First of all
, the smartphone This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :assists
helps
 us communicate. We can talk, chat and This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :acquire
get
 in touch with family, friends. Another merit of using smartphones is gain knowledge. By connecting Internet, we can read books, magazines and learn English. Moreover
, smartphones are This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :exploited
used
 for entertainment. Everybody can play games, This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :monitor
watch
 TV and read books. Therefore
, it Did you mean "makes"?makes
make
 us This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :reside
live
 better and more relax. In conclusion
, smartphones are one of the most This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:vitalcriticalessential
important
 for us. 

IELTS essay Topic: Please state the advantages of useing mobile phones

Essay

American English

1 paragraphs

79 words

This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1

4.0

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
?
One main idea per paragraph
Include an introduction and conclusion
Support main points with an explanation and then an example
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Vary your linking phrases using synonyms

Lexical Resource: 6.5

Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes

Grammatical Range: 7.0

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
Check your writing for errors

Task Achievement: 5.5

Answer all parts of the question
?
Present relevant ideas
Fully explain these ideas
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

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