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Some people prefer to work for themselves or own a business. Others prefer to work for an employer. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people prefer to work for themselves or own a business. Others prefer to work for an employer. l71GW
It is debatable whether people opt to start their own company or work for an organization. While the former is beneficial to some extent, I’m inclined to the latter. On the one hand, self-employment brings several benefits for freelancers. To begin with, freelancers may not be stuck in nine-to-five jobs that do not bring happiness or enjoyment for them, and these employees are completely free to choose their jobs. As a result, self-employees can do everything they want or love, which makes them more productive and happier. Furthermore, freelancers can earn a bigger amount of money than those without self-employment. This is due to the fact that they can do a variety of tasks simultaneously at their own pace and they keep all money they make while if these employees work for a company, they will only give fixed salary or bonus when they are hard-working. Nevertheless, I suppose the advantages of working for an organization significantly surpass those of self-employment. The first reason is that it is a safe choice because employees always give their salaries every month whereas people who set up their own company can put themselves at risk. If they lack capital or necessary knowledge to operate, they cannot succeed, even they may encounter huge depts or their company may go bankrupt. In addition, staff who are devoted to the company may give pension, healthcare payment, paid sick leave. In comparison, freelancers not only do not give pension or paid sick leave, but also they need to take on much responsibility, which can make them overwhelmed with the workload. In conclusion, although self-employment and working for a company bring both advantages and disadvantages, I believe people should choose to work for an organization for the reasons I have mentioned.
It is debatable whether
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opt to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
or work for an organization. While the former is beneficial to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, I’m inclined to the latter.

On the one hand, self-employment brings several benefits for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freelancers
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freelancers
may not
be stuck
in nine-to-five jobs that do not bring happiness or enjoyment for them, and these employees are completely free to choose their jobs.
As a result
, self-employees can do everything they want or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more productive and happier.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freelancers
can earn a bigger amount of money than those without self-employment.
This is due to the fact that
they can do a variety of tasks
simultaneously
at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
pace and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
all money they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
while if these employees work for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
salary or bonus when they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working.

Nevertheless
, I suppose the advantages of working for an organization
significantly
surpass those of self-employment. The
first
reason is that it is a safe choice
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
employees always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
their salaries every month whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who set up their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can put themselves at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
. If they lack capital or necessary knowledge to operate, they cannot succeed, even they may encounter huge
Possible spelling mistake found.
depts
or their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
may go bankrupt.
In addition
, staff who
are devoted
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
pension, healthcare payment, paid sick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
.
In comparison
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
freelancers
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
give
pension or paid sick
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
they need to take on much responsibility, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them overwhelmed with the workload.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion, although self-employment and working for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
bring both advantages and disadvantages, I believe
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
should choose to work for an organization for the reasons I have mentioned.
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IELTS essay Some people prefer to work for themselves or own a business. Others prefer to work for an employer.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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