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Today’s schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Today’s schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. with this statement? awyYw
Social networking sites, for instance Facebook, are thought by some to have had a detrimental effect on individual people as well as society and local communities. However, while I believe that such sites are mainly beneficial to the individual, I agree that they have had a damaging effect on local communities. With regards to individuals, the impact that online social media has had on each individual person has clear advantages. Firstly, people from different countries are brought together through such sites as Facebook whereas before the development of technology and social networking sites, people rarely had the chance to meet or communicate with anyone outside of their immediate circle or community. Secondly, Facebook also has social groups which offer individuals a chance to meet and participate in discussions with people who share common interests. On the other hand, the effect that Facebook and other social networking sites have had on societies and local communities can only be seen as negative. Rather than individual people taking part in their local community, they are instead choosing to take more interest in people online. Consequently, the people within local communities are no longer forming close or supportive relationships. Furthermore, society as a whole is becoming increasingly disjointed and fragmented as people spend more time online with people they have never met face to face and who they are unlikely to ever meet in the future. To conclude, although social networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Social
networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
,
for instance
Facebook, are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
to have had a detrimental effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as well
as society and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
.
However
, while I believe that such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
are
mainly
beneficial to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they have had a damaging effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
communities.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
, the impact that online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
media has had on each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
person has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
advantages.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries
are brought
together through such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
as Facebook whereas
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the development of technology and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
rarely had the chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
or communicate with anyone
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "outside".
outside of
their immediate circle or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
.
Secondly
, Facebook
also
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
groups which offer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
a chance to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
and participate in discussions with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who share common interests.

On the other hand
, the effect that Facebook and other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sites
have had on societies and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
Rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
taking part in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
, they are
instead
choosing to take more interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
online.
Consequently
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
within
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
are no longer forming close or supportive relationships.
Furthermore
, society as a whole is becoming
increasingly
disjointed and fragmented as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
spend more time online with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
they have never met face to face and who they are unlikely to ever
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
in the future.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
networking
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IELTS essay Today’s schools should teach their students how to survive financially in the world today. with this statement?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
236 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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